I’m very proud to say that I was a soldier in our United States Army from 1995-1999 and served in Germany and Sarajevo, Bosnia. Today is a day to remember all who served and gave the ultimate sacrifice to protect our freedom. I was remembering my two grandfathers (both had been married to my mom’s mother who was married three times, the last two being veterans of wars) when I realized that I have three grandfathers who served our nation! My grandma’s second husband served in Korea and Vietnam and sadly died of cancer caused by Agent Orange. He adopted my uncle when he was stationed in Korea. I’ve written about my uncle before, who doesn’t even consider the fact he’s adopted. He doesn’t even really know his own back-story of how he came to be adopted and absolutely no idea who his birth mother or birth father was nor does he care. My grandma’s third husband was in WWII and survived the Normandy Beach invasion. I had no idea of any of that until I had joined the Army and he told me that one day we’d talk more about it. Unfortunately, that day never came because he passed away while I was serving in Bosnia. To this day, I very much regret not having that chat with him. I’m sure his memories were too painful to talk about and that is why I had never known he was even in the military. I think he was really proud of me and that is why he wanted to share it with me. I miss him. My birth grandfather was in the Army as an engineer and even met Eisenhower! I consider all of these men part of my heritage and something I am very proud of. My father-in-law also served in the Army in the Vietnam war. My husband told me when we first started dating but said that his dad never talked about that time in his life. However, his dad talks to me about his experiences. I think he is happy to talk to me about it because he knows I can relate on some level to what it was like to be in the military. When I decided to join the Army, the only one in my family that thought it was a good idea, was my mom. Obviously she respected the military and knew it was my only way out of the hole I had dug myself into after dropping out of college. My time in the Army changed my life in every way possible. I only joined so that I could get money to go back to college with and get out of Arkansas but when I look back, I realize that the Army became another family that help mold me into who I am today. I give most credit to my birth family and adoptive family but the Army was a huge part of that, too. In the military, you don’t have your family there to help you so you learn to depend on your fellow soldiers. We all depend on each other! When I was deployed to Sarajevo, we were truly exiled from our families and civilization. We worked 6 days a week and 12 hours a day so we knew each other inside and out and we took care of each other. When I got the news of my grandpa’s passing, they bought me a card with heartfelt messages and made sure I was ok. When I went into Sarajevo to get my first tattoo, our deputy commander went with me to make sure I was doing things safely, and when it was time for me to leave, they held me down and sprayed whipped cream all over my face because that meant they cared. I cried harder when I left Sarajevo than when I left for my family for the Army. These people meant a lot to me and I will never forget them! I met my best friend in Germany. She took me in when I first got there so I wouldn’t feel lonely. Adoptees need to be an Army. Being a soldier in unknown lands with no control are not unlike adoptees. All adoptees need to band together and take care of each other, and protect each other. We’re all here for one another. If you have no comfort in anything else in your life, take comfort in that. I am here for you, just like I was there for my country. Happy Memorial Day!

The moment you find out you’re adopted, you rethink everything you thought you knew about yourself. I did it in 4th grade, when I was told, and I still do it today. One thing that fascinates me is why I am the way I am. I talk more about that in my book. I often think of certain traits I have and wonder where it came from or how I came to be that way. Is it genetic or did I learn it in my environment? I ultimately believe that our genetics are the blueprints and our parents and/or environment nurtures that blueprint. Genetics are raw data, so to speak. Just like engineers take raw data and develop something amazing, our parents or whoever raised us, do the same thing. For instance, I am fiercely independent. I was thinking about that a few weeks ago, wondering why I do not depend on anyone else for anything so I began to look back from my earliest memories. As a child, everyone told me that I was independent and liked to try things on my own. I do remember never feeling fear about new things or people, more excitement than anything else. As I got older, young teen to young adult, I believed that the world and my family owed me something and took advantage of my opportunities. I was dependent on my family and friends to make things happen for me and to make me happy by giving me everything I wanted. When it was time to go to college I was ready to leave right after graduation. I thought I knew it all but I knew that if I messed up and needed anything my parents would be there to bail me out. I was right, when I messed up badly, my mom scooped me up and took me home however, it wasn’t going to be like it was before. I was pretty upset about my situation and how I had messed up. That is when my mom said something to me which changed me forever. She told me I had to pick myself up, it was up to me to pull myself out of this bad situation and do something for myself. It was up to me, and me alone. She nor my dad nor anyone else could do it for me. That is when I realized life as I knew it was over and it was time to depend on myself. This… this is the moment that began the development of that independence I was born with into the fiercely independent woman I am today. I admit that I maybe developed it a little too far as I even have a hard time letting my sweet husband open doors for me or carrying all the groceries for me but I’ve spent the last 20 years depending on myself to have money, to have a career, to raise a child, to live where I want to live and to carry my own groceries… My mom told me no one else could just make my life for me, I had to do it myself and I have! And by doing that, I have made myself happy. That independence gave me the courage to walk away from two toxic relationships. That independence allowed me to be a happy, successful woman and I can proudly say – I did it for myself. I had help along the way, sure, but I am where I am today because of me. I am who I am today because of DNA with a lot of help from my parents. I suggest you look at your own personality traits and tendencies and think back to where it started and how it developed. It’s interesting to find those checkpoints in your life that either developed or subdued your DNA prescribed personality traits. Your birth parents gave you DNA, your environment gave you little nuggets in the development of that DNA but it was YOU who decided what to do with that. You are not dependent on anyone to figure out who you are, you already have the information now it’s time to just analyze it and build yourself up using the blueprints and materials you were given. Tell me about a personality trait you have and where/how you think it has been developed or subdued.

Why do I get the eye roll, huffs and puffs, and judging looks like I am just so naïve for being positive about life? Because I believe the best in people and that situations can always be better, does that mean that I’m stupid? Does it mean that I don’t know what I’m talking about or don’t have anything of value to say because it’s already been proven wrong? I mean, honestly, it doesn’t make me any less positive it only makes me sad for the other person. Let’s face it, in the world of adoption, there are a lot of negative feelings and situations but there are a lot of positive feelings and situations, too! However, this is NOT the point. It doesn’t matter how good or bad situations are; what matters is what kind of person you are and how you look at life. I have had negative situations and feelings before. I was in an awful relationship before and it took me five years to realize if I wanted to be happy that it was up to me to make that happen so I ended the relationship. Instead of thinking that all men would be that way, I knew there were better men out there and that I would find one. I did face the big wall of secrecy when I started searching for my birth mother. I was frustrated but I let the frustration feed my determination to find her. I wrote the state leaders and thank God, they opened the records so I could get my original birth certificate. Even when I got that, I still faced obstacles to finding her but I kept pushing. When I found her, I had to face my family and comfort my mom who had a really hard time with my decision to search and reunite. It was hard for my family and it was hard for me. During all of this, I went through yet another bad relationship but thankfully learned by my first experience that it was up to me to change my situation. A year later, I found the love of my life and also gave the gift of life to my birth aunt. These are both very positive things but then I faced rejection by a birth parent. My birth father now knows about me and hasn’t reached out. I have been through a lot of negative situations, so don’t assume that because I am positive that I am naïve or that I don’t know what it’s like to suffer through depression or insecurity. It has always been and always will be on ME to make changes that will enrich my life. There are so many out there who are selflessly giving their time, effort and emotions to make the adoption industry better and to change legislation to help adoptees but I have noticed that so many of them are seriously cynical and/or miserable and negative. Maybe that’s what it takes to actually make changes. I find myself getting wrapped up in that quite often. Of course I want to see changes that will make things better but my personal focus is on adoptees and trying to make them just feel better, hopeful, and positive. I want to help those that are working tirelessly with whatever they need but I’m not going to change my positive attitude. Not only that, I am determined to spread that positivity and will push tirelessly to help other adoptees feel positive. I try to understand the “why” in other people’s behaviors that are bringing me down. I find that most of the time their negative behaviors have nothing to do with me, rather it is their own issues. Knowing and understanding this makes me feel compassion for them and allows me to feel better about myself. Take what you’ve learned from your awful situations and bring YOURSELF to a better place. Let your sadness or frustration fuel your determination. Let people roll their eyes at you for thinking the world can be a better place and that not everyone is bad. We need positive people in this world! Keep smiling, keep searching for the meaning in it all. It only makes you a better person whom everyone will want to be around. Everything happens for a reason. Search for that reason and learn from it! Please, please know that I am always here for anyone who needs to talk to someone who gets it. I can help you find the meaning in it all without diminishing the severity of what you’re going through. I’m not naïve, I just choose to live a happy, positive life.

I went to a Women in Leadership event this week for my company. It was amazing and mind-changing which will lead to life-changing. How I think and feel influences how I live my life. Mid-way through the event I began to realize that much of what was being said not only related to my professional life, but to my life as an adoptee, as well! It was very exciting for me to think of it in this perspective. The great thing about women is that we understand emotions drive actions and actions drive change. One of the greatest examples of this is having confidence. I learned that when I’m in a meeting full of men, I have less confidence. This drives my actions, such as not sitting at the table with everyone else and not speaking up when I have ideas or things to say that will contribute to the objectives of the meeting. Those actions lead to these men not seeing my value and therefore, my name may not come to the forefront of their minds when deciding on someone to promote. How I feel drives my situation. If I project confidence, even if it’s fake, I will be taken seriously and seen as someone who is eager to help, which turns around my boss’s thoughts of me and maybe will lead to that promotion. Who knows? But you’ll never know unless you try it. The part of the event that really made me think of adoptees is how they compared men to women in how we perceive ourselves therefore how others perceive us. They talked about situations like in the meeting where men are not afraid to speak up, men aren’t afraid to march into their boss’s offices with good ideas. Men are confident and carry themselves with that confidence, whether they should be confident or not! Men speak up and sit at the table, even if their ideas aren’t that great. They may not even really feel that confident but they fake it. There’s a theory that we can fake it till we become it. I believe that’s true. I think that if I am more confident and truly believe that I am awesome, that others will see it and believe it, too. Then it comes back full circle so that I then truly believe that I am awesome! Fake it till you become it. Amy Cuddy, a social psychologist at Harvard, talks about this in a TED talk. She felt as though she didn’t belong at Harvard, like she wasn’t really smart enough to be there. She felt as though she was an imposter. (Sounds familiar to us adoptees, right?) She said that her advisor told her, act like you belong here. Come back here everyday and act like you belong. Amy did that until one day she realized, that she did belong there and others believed that she belonged there. Is it possible for adoptees to fake it till we make it? Only we can change how we feel about ourselves and our situation. Did you know that how you perceive yourself is how you are projecting yourself and therefore being perceived as such? Whether you’re an adoptee or not, act like you’re the bomb dot com. Try it for a week and see if others around you treat you differently. I’m going to take on this challenge in my own life, especially at work. I’m going to act confident and I’m going to speak up like my ideas are worth listening to and I believe people will treat me differently, positively. I think I’ll see results at work, I believe I already do this in my home life lol. I’ve never been accused of not having confidence! But if you struggle with this, give it a shot. Maybe you feel like you’re not a strong person and so you’ve told yourself that your whole life until that’s what you believe. So now try telling yourself that you are strong everyday, even if you don’t believe it at first. Just keep telling yourself you’re strong. Fake it till you become it. Let me know if you take the challenge and what positive outcomes you experience! No one else can change the way you see yourself, it’s up to you to do that. How you feel about yourself drives actions, and with action comes change. xoxo

My birth mother is very protective of me. In fact, my whole biological family, my adoptive family, and my husband are all very protective of me. I am surrounded by people who would never want to see me hurt and would go to great lengths to make sure no one ever  hurts me. Knowing this feels very good, to know I am loved so much. However, I don’t always want to be protected when it comes to decisions I want to make for my own life. My adoptive family always wanted to protect me from my biological identity for fear that I would experience rejection. My biological family now wants to protect me from the other side of my biological identity. These were all things I wanted for myself yet those that love me the most tried to keep me from potential emotional or physical harm. Unfortunately for adoptees, we’re beholden to the adoptive and biological families when it comes to information. Once again, we have no control over our own identities and histories. My adoptive family never intended for me to find my biological family, that just was never in the deal because it was a closed adoption. That is just how things were done then. Finding my birth mother scared my adoptive mother for me and for herself but it turned out just fine! No one was hurt, no one was abandoned and no one tried to change existing, wonderful relationships. In this case, I didn’t want to be protected. I didn’t ask to be protected. No adoptee wants to be protected from their biological identity, even if rejection happens! Even if we get hurt by the biological side, we find comfort in having the knowledge. When it comes to my birth father, my birth mother and my biological family want to protect me from his rejection. It took my birth mother eight years after we met for her to tell me his name because she knew that he would not take news of me very well. She didn’t want me to be hurt by his reaction. He now knows about me and has expressed no interest in meeting me. This hurts my birth mother for me, she feels so badly and guilty that he has initially rejected me. Me, on the other hand, I understand his reaction and have no bad feelings about it. I have written previous posts about how I’m at complete peace with that. I will contact him at some point, in some way, eventually, and that scares my birth mother because she knows him and worries that he will hurt my feelings. She wonders why I would even want to contact him, knowing what kind of person he is and that he will likely reject me, again. So this is one reason adoptees say, “don’t speak for me”. Don’t assume you know how we feel or try to protect our feelings. It feels like you’re trying to control my life again and that causes me to rebel. Everyone who knows me, knows that once I get something in mind that I want, no one can talk me out of it. It’s because I know me, I know myself better than anyone else knows me. I don’t want to be controlled by other people’s knowledge anymore. I’ve broken those chains. My husband is fantastic. He knows this about me, he respects it about me, and has learned to give me the space and freedom to make my own decisions. I know it is hard for families to release that bit of control over an adoptee because they spent their entire lives protecting us. I absolutely appreciate the love this is born from and I love them all so very much but I have to make these decisions for myself. All I ask is that they be there for me, support my decisions, and even be there to pick up the pieces, if needed. I love my families and I will forever believe my adoption turned out to be the best thing for me and everything has turned out the way it should. I am a happy girl and I’m happy because of my decisions, and my ability to deal with the consequences of those decisions. Just trust me, and love me, that’s all your babies ever need or want.

What does it mean to you when someone says “I didn’t mean to, I was just caught up in the moment”? That’s what people say when they’ve done something they wish they hadn’t. What is it about that moment that makes a totally logical and responsible person forget EVERYTHING they know and have been taught? What is it about that moment that can cause a person to completely disregard the consequences? Why does everything seem to make sense and be perfect “in the moment”. That one moment can create such disruption in your life and cause it to veer off-course so severely that some people never recover. Yet, in that moment, the only thing you’re thinking is “Yes! This feels so right, I don’t care that it’s wrong!”. What is so magical about that moment that we lose all self control? What hormones are being released that clouds the brain’s thinking? How can we combat that without drugs? It takes a very strong person to be able to stop and think, but that is what has to be done. Just stop.. and think. When you’re in a moment that feels so good and things are progressing, and you like it, there is usually a small nagging little voice in your head that tells you this action will have major negative consequences. Listen to it! Once that nagging voice speaks up, stop everything and take a breath, and think. Think about all of those consequences, know that they are real, and lift the fog of the moment. You will see clearly and then you’ll be able to control yourself again. We are human and will lose control at some point in our lives but as you’re talking to your kids about these things, warn them about that “moment” and explain to them how they can fight that moment. Passionate moments can be amazing, when they’re not going to hurt anyone. Just imagine if every pregnancy was deliberate and planned, there would be no need for adoption or homeless children in foster care.. the world will never be perfect, but we can make a difference.

Would you say this is one of the top 5 feelings that adoptees have at some point in their lives? As happy a person as I am, I remember saying “I don’t even belong here” many times, mostly when I was a young teenager and at the height of my angst. I definitely felt misunderstood and I had difficulty relating to my mom. She and I were so different and I hadn’t yet figured out how to appreciate the differences rather than run from them. It wasn’t until I wrote my book and was forced to really think about and explain her feelings and mine from that time that I started to understand what we were both going through. Family dynamics are hard enough but throw in adoption and things can get irretrievably damaged. I was suffering through adolescence, complicated by the fact I was adopted. My mom was also suffering through my adolescence without any idea that I was also agonizing over my adoptee emotions. I was her child but in MY mind, I was starting to toy with the idea that I was actually someone else’s child. As I got older, I learned how to accept things for the way they were and when I couldn’t change something, I adjusted. When I joined the Army, I found a group of strangers that became my family and oddly enough, I did feel like I belonged there. These strangers understood me and were in the exact same situation so we could all relate to each other. When I found my birth mother, I was curious if I would feel like I “belonged”…would there be this intangible click where everything would make sense? Well, although it was amazing indeed, what I learned is there is no magic click, like the sound of puzzle pieces clicking together. It has taken many years of getting to know her and my biological family to feel comfortable and start to build our own history together. What I have learned is that for myself, where I “belong” is where I can just be me and that’s not up to anyone else. Where I’m being me is where I belong.

Adoptees spend their lives wondering what their biological mother is like now, what were the circumstances, and what she is doing now. We envision both good and bad news stories, but of course always hope for the best. When we actually find her, however, everything we thought we’d feel flies out the window. You never know how you’re going to feel until you find the truth. So which do you prefer: Finding out that your mother was simply in a bad situation, she made a choice, and then went on to lead an amazing life or finding out that your mother had serious mental issues and went on to make bad choices and negatively affected those around her. Finding that she’s led a great life and is completely normal may make you feel like if she had such a great life then why couldn’t she have raised you? Or it might make you feel resentful that she led such a great life without you. What if you find out that she had serious issues, either with drugs or mental problems? It may actually be easier to understand the choice of adoption and validate for you that adoption was the right thing for you. Whichever the situation is, you have to find the positive and know that everything happens for a reason. (I know many adoptees hate that phrase but it’s how I’ve remained sane in my own life) I found a happy and “normal” mother with a great life. I always say that had I not been relinquished then she couldn’t have had this great life and the same goes for me! I don’t hold it against her that she went on to have a happy and normal life, that was the whole reason she relinquished me, so that she could do that, and so that I could do that. I believe for me, it was the right thing. I have a couple of friends who have recently found their birth mothers and the story is not so great. Their mothers are not mentally and/or physically capable of learning that their daughters have found them. Both of them say that they’re at peace with this because they know had they grown up in the family, it would’ve been a long, hard and unhappy road. They’re both very thankful they were relinquished. We all deal with these situations very differently because we’re all very different people. So which would you prefer, good news or bad news story?

I met a very special little lady this weekend, named Sam (in the picture above). Her mother, Cheryl, knows my aunt who received my kidney. Cheryl had also received a kidney from a classmate who happened to read about her kidney situation on facebook and decided to be her donor, even though she hadn’t seen or heard from her in 20 years. That, in and of itself, is a special story. However, Cheryl brought her daughter with her and they let me know that she was adopted at 4 days old. Sam is now 10 (and a half, she was quick to tell us). When my Aunt asked her, “How are you?”, she replied, “Happy!” And she was, she really was. She was very sweet and outgoing but the more we spoke to her, the more she opened up. Sam wants to be a singer someday, and I think she will be if she wants. You can see the determination and passion in her eyes as she speaks to you. Sam is an extremely positive person and her happiness was infectious. The whole room was laughing and smiling with her as she lit up the room and sang to us. She was very proud to be adopted and begged her mom to tell us the story of her adoption. Her mother recanted the story of how they got a call on Friday to pick up their baby on Monday and how they didn’t have any supplies so the nurses gave them diapers and other necessities, along with a diaper changing lesson! I could see the happiness and love in Sam’s eyes as her mother told the story. She reminded me of myself when I learned I was adopted. I was eager to share with the world because it made me interesting and I had a story to tell people. Sam was not upset or angry or distant about being adopted, she was simply happy. I don’t want anything or anyone to ever spoil that for her! Thank you for meeting me, Sam! I know you told me you were going to read my blog, so please feel free to share your thoughts always!! I would welcome and appreciate your positive nature and perspective. There are many hurting adoptees out there that could use an innocent and untarnished attitude! You’re a very special person (and not just because you’re adopted). You will do many great things in your life. I believe all your dreams will come true. I love you, Sam!

Have you watched Blackfish? Have you seen the outrage that has been displayed by the public and celebrities? Martina McBride, 38 Special, Barenaked Ladies, and Heart all dropped out of their commitments to perform at SeaWorld’s Bands, Brew, and BBQ event. The outrage was publicized and talked about so that the whole nation knew what was going on and made their own opinions. Have you seen it? I found myself bawling when they described and showed how the “fishers” would catch the whales and then show the separation of their families. The filmmaker described in detail the agony the whales displayed being separated from their babies and the other whales in their family. And then what did SeaWorld say about the treatment of these animals at their park? They can provide them a better life than they would’ve lived in the wild. Does any of this sound even remotely familiar?? The film talks about the odd behavior, sounds, and depression that the mother whales feel when their babies are taken from them. The babies are taken from birth so they grow up in an all new “norm” for them, filled with all the love and food and shelter they could ever want. How is this different than natural mothers and their babies that are placed for adoption? Natural parents feel depression and agony from adoption and told that the adoption will provide the a better life. Where is the outrage from the general public for separating babies from their mommies and families under false pretenses? Where is our documentary that provides hard truths that many people won’t like and will spend lots of money on to combat the image and perspective it creates? How do we get the publicity it requires to change laws because let’s face it, unless we get national attention and celebrities to promote it like Blackfish did, fighting to change the laws for OBC’s and changing the face of the adoption industry will continue to be an uphill battle. There IS a place for adoption, for children who need it, but there is no place for unnecessary coercion of young or un-resourced mothers who truly do desire to keep their babies and the millions of dollars that is profited from that deception. We need the Babyfish documentary, who’s up for it?