Let me a see a show of hands of who thinks that meditating is some weird religious cult-ish thing that only hippies do? How surprised would you be to learn that it simply is whatever you want it to be! If you want it to be a religious experience, it will be. If you want it to take you back to past lives, it can. If you want it to just be a relaxing, stress free state of mind, it will be. You might be surprised to know that more and more doctors are recommending meditation to relieve stress. Even the Mayo Clinic supports meditation on their website as an easy, free way to reduce stress levels. I don’t think anyone can deny that our bodies are amazing machines capable of feats we can’t even imagine. Meditating is a way of completely relaxing your body and brain so you can control both. I don’t have to tell you how beneficial stress relief is but for me, I love to meditate to try and unlock secrets in my brain that give me a deeper understanding to my life. Ok this is where I guess I start sounding like a hippy but it really helps me and that’s all that matters, right? I have questions about the beginning of my life, my birth story, my first 6 weeks in a hospital as an orphan that no person will ever be able to tell me about. My only hope is that I can unlock my experience through meditation. I experienced being inside my mother’s belly, I experienced the birth, I experienced those first 6 weeks. Those feelings and memories didn’t just disappear into thin air; they are still in my brain somewhere. My hope is that through meditation I can journey back to that time and get all the answers I want and need. Meditation is going to be the foundation for my journey of awakening. Is that crazy? Maybe… Is it worth a try? Absolutely, it is! I’m sure each and every one of you has the same desire but maybe fear the unknown. I dare you to try it, take your own journey down memory lane. Let me know if you found something and how it made you feel! I’ll share, if you do! Come on ya’ll, change your life, take some chances.

I’m back!!!! I’m sorry that I have been missing in action and haven’t written in weeks. I didn’t know it, but I needed a short break. Yesterday was my one year anniversary of when I started this blog and I wrote everyday for months, then couple times a week, then once a week… It has been a journey of discovery but this last week, in California, I went on a journey of awakening. This next year of blog posts will relect that. Once I reached middle school age, I became very aware of myself, my surroundings, my actions, and the effect the world was having on me. I’ve always had a diary, even when I was in elementary school, and writing always helped me analyze situations and my place in them. As I grew older, I searched for knowledge and understanding through my experiences and then of course, found my birth family. The course my life took at that point was full of unexpected drops, turns, and ascents and I soaked it all in every step of the way. I then decided to write a book based on my life to tell the world how all this knowledge enriched me and made me into the person I was at that time. I also began this blog to help other adoptees find that same enrichment and understanding… and compassion. While I hope that I did do that for other adoptees, at the same time it morphed into this journey of discovery for me personally. I discovered that there are so many different facets and faces to the emotional trauma that is adoption both on the adoptee and birth family side. I glided through my life with some emotional conflict due to being adopted but I had no idea of the magnitude of the ripple effect caused by adoption. I am a very empathetic person and always want to be fair in my statements and thoughts to be sure I cover all possible views from all possible sides. Doing so has broadened my understanding of what an adoptee goes through but more than that I now know there is so much more to us than this. I’ve said it before but now I know more than ever no ideal is absolute, no right or wrong, no end to the intricacies of our emotional state. It is what it is and our best hope in this life is to be aware and discover what it means to each of us. That is where I am at, at the end of this journey of discovery and the beginning of the next part of my being – awareness. I’ve listened to you all, those that would talk, and I’ve explored every one of those emotional facets and tried to determine what is healthy and what is not and how do we overcome it to be happy. I traveled to California with my daughter last week. I met a person who awakened my soul to the true past and a path to the future. I was able to face head-on the circumstances surrounding my adoption and felt the pain that my biological grandmother and mother felt by relinquishing me but learned that my soul came blazing into this life on a mission to find unconditional love…. and I did. I was one of the lucky ones, I know this. I am awakened by accepting the fact that my biological grandmother did what she thought was best, and it was. I am awakened by the fact that my birth mother cried many, many tears while pregnant with me, and most importantly, I am awakened by the fact that I came here to be loved so blindly and so fiercely that I was willing to throw myself out to the world in hopes that would happen. That is why I am here….. to find unconditional love. We each come here with a purpose and it can be as simple, but powerful, as that. If you awaken yourself to the past, you will find your purpose here that will give you a path to go on, a reason for living, a goal to achieve, motivation to be, just be, and maybe enlighten others along the way. We live our lives in phases, I’ve lived mine in the phases of awareness and discovery, now this next phase will be my awakening. It is with this frame of mind and focus that I continue on in the next year of my blog to advance myself and hopefully help some of you heal. I hope that I hear more from you whether you think I’m crazy or sane, I want to hear from you your own stories. Thank you for continuing on this journey with me, we will all learn together!

This day means a lot to me for the same reason it means a lot to all Americans as we reflect and celebrate our freedom and everything that gives us but I also celebrate my emotional freedom today. I am proud that I have the freedom to feel however I want to feel and I have learned to do what it takes to be happy and free from emotional drains and burdens. You know the emotional drains and burdens I’m talking about; the people and situations that bring you to your knees and make you miserable. The chains that keep you down are sometimes so heavy they feel impossible to break. This is emotional burden and the people or situations are emotional drains. I started celebrating my own emotional freedom six years ago, when I broke up with someone who had me under his thumb and shackled emotionally. I left him on the 4th of July, a day to celebrate freedom and oh boy, did I feel free!! The weight that was lifted off of my shoulders was so freeing that the tears I was crying was tears of joy and wonder of why I didn’t do it earlier. Yes, there was a lot to figure out in the break up because we lived together with our children but I was free so no matter how hard the next few weeks would be of talking and negotiating and begging, I knew the freedom and happiness waiting for me on the other side of that was well worth it. It actually wasn’t the first time I had freed myself from an emotional burden but it was the first time I realized that I was emotionally free and I swore to myself I would never put myself through it again. Whether it was a significant other or a family member, I was determined that I would never let someone or something keep me from being happy every again. It’s really hard to dump the emotional drains and burdens from your life, the chains are heavy, but if you can get a taste of what it feels like to be free from that you will know it’s worth it. Remember that it is up to us to create a happy environment so when someone is coming at you with chains, fight for your freedom,.. your emotional freedom. Happy 4th of July!! Maybe this will be the beginning of your own revolution… xoxo

Many adoptees feel as though they never bonded to their family, as most natural children do. There are also natural children who never bond to their natural families. This type of alienation can happen to anyone and it can make people feel lost and alone, at any age. Whether you’re a baby, child, adolescent, young adult, or elderly, if you need someone to connect with, someone who not only understands you, but can relate to you. They will even be able to guide you based on what they know about you and your experiences. We all need that. I think some people have specific expectations of the people with a specific role in their lives and if those expectations aren’t filled, they just give up on that relationship. Let’s take a “for instance”: Let’s make up a child named Lindsey who is growing up with a best friend named Nicole. Both Lindsey and Nicole have older brothers around the same age but Lindsey notices that Nicole and her brother have a very close relationship. They like to do things together and they stick up for each other. Lindsey, however, has a very different kind of brother who doesn’t seem to have time for her and never wants to talk to her. Because Lindsey sees how fulfilling Nicole’s relationship is with her brother, Lindsey now thinks this is how things should be and now has expectations for her brother to feel the same way. Lindsey’s brother doesn’t get the memo, however, and doesn’t change and is even annoyed by her sudden interest in being his best friend! When he doesn’t meet her expectations of what a good big brother should be like, she is disappointed and causes bitter feelings, possibly for the rest of her life! This is what I mean when people have expectations of a person who fills a specific role in their lives. What Lindsey should realize is that her brother has a different personality and his own expectations of how he should be a big brother so it is unfair for her to put those expectations on him and will probably cause a rift. We first need to understand who these people are that are filling roles in our lives and then the best thing you can do for yourself is realize that if that person isn’t filling that role for you, then maybe you can find someone else who does fulfill that expectation. Maybe Lindsey has a cousin that is more like her and has similar expectations and they become really close and she starts saying things like, “My cousin Vinny is just like a brother to me”. If you feel like you don’t have that typical father/son special bond in your life, don’t write your dad off; find a relationship that works for you two and then go find someone else that fulfills what you think you’re missing from that relationship. There’s so many people in this world, and because technology has flattened it, you have many opportunities to find friends and other family members that will fulfill you, no matter what you’re looking for! As I always say, its up to us to make ourselves happy, no one else. Don’t put your unrealistic expectations on the world, adapt to what you can’t change and find relationships that just naturally work and worry less about the labels.

There she is, my beautiful biological grandmother. I have to admit, up until my last birthday, I had not really given her a lot of thought even though she is the one who decided on and planned my adoption. I guess after meeting my birth mother and getting the whole story surrounding my conception, birth and adoption, I didn’t question it any further. I took it as-is and then just focused on getting to know her and my “new” family. On my last birthday, I received a Facebook message from a family member that spun my head. I did write about that message and how I felt in December last year, if you’re interested. Unfortunately, I had always just envisioned her as a somewhat cold and regimented person who didn’t want my birth mother to suffer at the hands of a cruel society in the 1970’s, especially in the deep south where cotillions and wealth ruled the classes. I never imagined that she ever really lamented the long lost baby so when I found out otherwise, it sent me reeling. I shifted my focus onto this, not necessarily because I wanted to, but I couldn’t get the thoughts out of my head. I now knew that she had thought of me a lot but had she really wanted me to be adopted? Did she ever regret making that decision? What was her demeanor while her daughter was pregnant with me? Was she sad after the adoption? What were her true feelings?? The last time I went to visit my biological family, I started questioning my birth mother and her sisters. Although I did get a little more insight into my grandmother (who passed one year before I found my birth family), I was still left to wonder about her truest feelings throughout the trauma that is adoption. I have given it much thought and careful consideration and I truly believe that she was doing what was best for everyone involved and she likely never regretted it. I think that she knew how things would be for me had I not been relinquished and wanted with all her heart a better life for me. I know now she was a very caring, yet strong, woman. I would like to think I got a lot that from her. I think she is looking down on me, extremely proud of the life I was given, and loving me, just as she did then. Thank you, my beautiful grandmother.

This is my grandma, my mom’s mom, Lena Ray Price. My grandma LOVED her grandkids. As much as we were my mom’s world, we were her. I spent a lot of time there, I would say nearly everyday and then in the summertime, my cousins would come visit and I would stay there with them for a few weeks. I have the best memories at my grandma’s house. She had a chair that opened up like a hope chest where she kept all of her many high heels. My cousin, Jennifer, and I would play in those shoes and put on shows for grandma, grandpa, and anyone else who happened to be there. There was so much life in that house because there was always company and activity. My mom and grandma would always be cooking or if not cooking, they would be drinking coffee and talking at the kitchen table. They never seemed to run out of topics or things to say! My grandpa raised beagles and also had a beautiful garden in the back yard. We were never allowed to play with the dogs, but that was ok with me, I had more fun just playing in his boat or searching for unique rocks in the driveway. My favorite thing to do, though, was to perform concerts in their garage. I remember pretending to be this famous country singer, as big as Dolly Parton, and walking up and down my “aisles”, singing to fictional audience members, just having the time of my life. I remember spending time in her extra bedrooms, admiring the antiques that she had from her time as a military wife in Europe. She had family pictures everywhere and cute mementos from my brother and I in the cabinets. Like most grandma’s, she let us have whatever we wanted and let us do whatever we wanted. She was a HUGE part of my young life. She passed away two days before my wedding, June 2nd, 2011. My mom and dad were here in Florida for my wedding when they got the news. They stayed, for me. My dad was determined to give me away at my wedding, and I am forever grateful for that moment. My grandma wouldn’t have had it any other way. In the last year, I have dreamt of her a lot. I am always in her house, reminiscing, and then she appears. Sometimes she talks to me, sometimes not. My mom has been with me in the dreams before, but she doesn’t see my grandma. The last dream I had was so haunting because I was outside, looking in from the backyard through the French doors. My grandma, grandpa and even my great grandfather were all sitting at that kitchen table looking back at me, waving. I wanted in so badly to talk to them and see them but I wasn’t allowed. I do believe that my grandma’s spirit has been visiting me in my dreams. She loved me so much that she wants me to know she is still around! It brings me a lot of comfort and makes me happy that she still is watching. Whether you believe it or not, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that my heart is full and happy from a grandmother who loves me still.

Life isn’t perfect, but the opportunities it presents to you are. If you meditate, you know that it is forcing yourself to relax and concentrate on the here and now. What do you smell right now, what do you see right now, what are the things that are happening around you in this moment? It’s this type of exercise that can give you clarity. When you stop, look, listen, see, smell, feel, you realize things you never realized before. You don’t have to be in a meditative state to do this. All you have to do is be aware every single day, and that is a lot more simple than you think. It may start out as a conscious effort to open your head and heart to what is around you but the more you do it, or force yourself to do it, the more instinctive it becomes. Sometimes I find my thoughts racing around in my head with several different things, mostly – what am I forgetting today? But I’m teaching myself that when I find my thoughts racing, the moment I realize that’s what I’m doing, I tell myself to stop, look, listen, and feel what is around me. It clears my head and then I am more aware. Do you know what happens when you’re more aware? You see the opportunities around you. Let’s take a “for example” situation (this is fictional). I’m sitting in my office everyday, usually taking care of whatever urgent situation arises for the day, and I get a phone call from co-worker that needs help for a problem they’re having. Typically, I would just answer it or do a little digging to find the answer for them then go on about my day never giving it another thought. However, this day, after I help the person and hang up the phone I stop, think, see, hear, feel what is around me and realize that the problem I just helped with is something that most of us have trouble with and then I wonder why we have that problem. I think back the root cause and then figure out a solution that will make the problem go away for everyone. I present it to my boss, who loves it, and BAM! Just like that, I’m a superstar. If I keep that up, I may get that promotion I’ve been looking forward to for the last year! It’s called hustling, and it doesn’t have to mean that you work harder, it simply means you work smarter. This can even help you personally. I am an adoptee who has an extraordinary story (or so I think). I wrote a book about it, then learned about blogging at a writer’s conference and took the opportunity to start my own blog, having no clue if it would be something I would enjoy, if others would read it, or if my book would sell; but I seized the opportunity to try. I may not be a mega big person in the adoption community but this blog has opened my eyes even more on not only adoption issues, but everyday issues we all face. I’ve met so many incredible people, I’ve been interviewed in magazines and on TV! I would never have had those opportunities without my book and my blog. I took the opportunity to tell my story and found more opportunities to help people. One door opens another, opens another, until you find yourself on this incredible journey we call life. THAT is how you live, people. That is how you take advantantage of living. Everyday you’re faced with little opportunities that you can take and make yourself a better person, worker, spouse, parent, etc… If you’re not stopping to see the opportunities then you’re not taking full advantage of life. Stop, feel, see, hear, smell, and think about what’s happening around you, then HUSTLE. xoxo

I haven’t written a new post in a few weeks because I’ve been spending time with my family in Arkansas and then one of my favorite family members, my sister-in-law Mandy, came back to Florida with me! I’ve been with her for one week straight today and I just can’t seem to get enough of her. Ah, the story of me and Mandy is a great one. I met her when I was 12 years old. I instantly connected with her even though she is 6 years older than me. I can only imagine what she thought when she met me because I have always been one who isn’t shy and loves to meet and talk to new people. I was a very precocious little girl with a “look at me!” attitude. I wanted all of her attention and she gave it to me! That right there made my 12 year old heart instantly love her. Although she and my brother were teenagers with their own social lives, she made me feel included and let me know that she cared about me. When they got married and then moved to a town an hour and a half away, I was sad and just looked forward to their visits home. As I got older, I would go visit them and talk to her about my friends and boys. I was one of those kids that always thought I was right but she had a way of getting me to think differently about things and people. When I went to college and then failed out and had to return home, she was the one that kept me calm and rational. The day after my mom moved me home from college I was so upset that I wanted to run away. She talked me out of that pretty quickly. I have always listened to her more than anyone else. One thing she couldn’t talk me out of was joining the Army. When I left for my tour of duty in Germany, we cried. When I returned home after my time served, we celebrated! We had babies together and relished in being together again finally. Then I decided to move to Florida, and we cried again but we have stayed just as close as ever even through the distance. She and I have a special bond, one that has helped me and shaped me into who I am and where I am today. We aren’t blood related but I am closer to her than any other family member. From day one, she took interest in me and never stopped. We love each other so much that keeping in touch is no effort, it just happens. We call and text each other all the time, we share all of our secrets with each other. I know her inside and out and she knows me the same. A bond can be instant and is never lost, but it must be nurtured and developed over time to be relevant and fruitful. I love you Mandy! Blood is not always thicker than water. The relationships that make us, are the ones that count.