It’s not that I think National Adoption Day should be dropped, it’s that it should be re-focused and renamed. The whole “National Adoption Month” needs a face-lift. Who better to make the world aware of adoption than adoptees? It doesn’t mean that we can’t celebrate the success of adoption but let that come from adoptees who actually feel their adoption was something to be celebrated! There may be a couple of them willing to do that…. one or two? If the whole point of this month is adoption awareness, then how come adoptees are completely left out of it? It’s all for us, right? Without our voices, it’s not a complete story therefore, not total awareness. But I see something powerful happening… I see adoptees finding the courage to speak out. What is happening is we are taking back this month and this day. Slowly but surely, this month/day will be talked about and marketed from our perspective, as it should be. We’re taking back the control and it feels really good. I am really late to this party, I must admit. I only heard about National Adoption Month last year and did not know the other side of adoption, the not so pretty side. I knew there were adoptees that were hurting and I wanted to help them; but as good as my intentions were, I was too naive to really know how to help them. Thankfully Twitter has opened up the world to me and now I know better of the different situations that hurt adoptees. I hope that it will be easier for me to help through my blog just by understanding more. The Declassified Adoptee posted an interview with Dr. L. DiAnne Borders, who came up with the Adoption-Reconstruction Phase Theory and I realized my whole life followed those 5 phases of what I call “realization”. I hope that it makes me a better blogger. I have always and still want to share your stories on my blog. I would love to publish interviews with your unique situation. If you’re interested, let me know! I know there are a LOT of adoptee bloggers out there who are powerful and are making a real difference in giving us confidence. We need to use the strength in our numbers and continue to “flip the script” on national adoption month/day. Let’s officially rename this month and day! It’s OUR time now.
All posts by adopteesearchingforself@gmail.com
What are your triggers?
As adoptees, we all have triggers that cause pain, sadness, or melancholy feelings regarding our adoption. For me, it’s my birthday. Even though my birthday is my favorite day of the year, it was also the one day that I KNEW my biological mother was thinking of me. At the end of the day, I would stare up into the night sky and tell her that I was thinking about her too, as cheesy as that was, it made me feel better. It warmed my heart to know that I was connecting with her in some crazy way. Once I met her, my birthday was a source of complete happiness because I didn’t have to send messages into the universe anymore, I could just talk to her. Then last Christmas I got the message about my biological grandmother (the one who arranged the adoption) that let me know she thought of me every year on my birthday and now I am triggered again on my birthday, this time thinking of her. My heart hurts for my grandmother who did the only thing she knew to do and what she thought was the best thing to do…. who suffered as greatly as my biological mother and I did. I had no idea she was so affected by it because she is the one who made the decision and now that I know she hurt so much by the loss of me, I hurt for the loss all over again. It really is a never ending cycle of pain. Even though people argue that the knowledge brings more pain, I would say that not knowing leaves a deeper, wider hole because our imaginations wreak havoc on our minds and hearts. I would definitely rather know because then I can process it and deal with the TRUTH, not imagination. Unfortunately, adoptees rarely get the truth and that is the most unforgivable yet accepted practice. Adoption causes irreparable trauma and I believe many adoptees suffer from PTSD from that trauma. Triggers are a symptom of PTSD and are a reminder of the trauma. Let’s talk about our trauma…. because we can’t heal by going around the pain, only through it. What are your triggers? Get on Twitter and join the #flipthescript movement to describe how adoption affected you, the adoptee, the only one that matters. Our voices need to be heard.
Adoptee Uncensored on National Adoption Awareness Month
I usually try to avoid the debate on pro vs anti adoption. My focus isn’t whether it is right or wrong; I focus on the health of adoptees. I try to present all the different feelings we have and come up with ways to deal with them. However, as we all know, this is National Adoption Awareness month and I feel it appropriate to write about adoptees’ perspective on adoption awareness. I also think it’s time I write about how I truly feel, regardless of my families (adoptive and bio) feelings about the situation. I finally realized that muting my truest feelings aren’t really protecting them, it’s hurting me and those I’m trying to help so…. here goes.
One year ago, I sat on a couch in a TV studio set alongside my bio aunt and was interviewed about my book which describes my life being adopted, how I found my birth family and then about my decision to donate my kidney to my bio aunt. My life is a feel-good story. I describe the emotions and feelings I went through as an adoptee and the pain of needing to know where I came from. However, because I basically had a happy childhood and finding my birth mother was easy since Alabama became an open records state, I told my own truth, which was that adoption worked for me. I smiled about and raved about how happy I am with how my life turned out. I wasn’t lieing about that; I am very happy that I was dealt the best cards possible and I wouldn’t be where I am today without having had that journey and for that I a truly forever grateful. And then… I met all of you,
Not long after I went on a month long book signing tour in Alabama where I was born and Arkansas where I was raised, I discovered Twitter and the treasure trove of adoptees and birth families that talk and blog about adoption from the other side. At first, I was overwhelmed and saddened by how many people were saying that adoption is evil. I couldn’t, wouldn’t believe that adoption was evil, after all, look at me… look at my brother…. we turned out fabulous! But I kept an open mind and I read more and more about the downsides and the destruction that adoption causes and it was harder and harder to ignore and I obviously couldn’t discount it. Then I started absorbing it and the slow realization came over me that adoption isn’t always the right thing to do. I wanted to write more about the wrongs of adoption but then I found myself wanting to protect my birth mother and bio family from the truth of the pain that adoption brings. My birth mother already suffered for 30 years of her life over her loss and 30 years of wondering so I started censoring myself in my blog posts because I don’t want her to suffer more thinking she did the wrong thing. She did the only thing she knew to do and I have no regrets but there are things I hold back.
Don’t get me wrong, my truth has not changed. I’m still happy that my life turned out the way it did. I have so many wonderful people in my life and I wouldn’t have them had my birth mother not relinquished me. I’m not convinced that my birth mother would have raised me with the same unconditional love that I received from my adoptive family. A huge part of me believes that my birth mother was too immature to get past the resentment she was sure to feel by my presence. Mobile, Alabama in the early 70’s was still very much an old-fashioned and judgmental society that would have made her feel ashamed to be a young, single mother with no resources. She was also living in the same city as my birth father who didn’t know about me and in fact, she was still in love with him and was devastated by his breaking up with her. I would have been a constant reminder of that pain. I believe that our lives together would have been hard and maybe not as loving as it should have been. This is not to say that my birth mother is a bad person – she is a wonderful lady who has been good to me since we met and we have a great relationship but at that time, she was just too young and immature to handle those emotions. So yes, I believe my adoption was the best thing for me and her. But…… there’s always, ALWAYS, that small sliver of doubt in my mind that wonders if that would’ve been true and even so, would things have been just as good? I still to this day think about what things would’ve been like if I had stayed with her. So there’s that….
Then there’s the truths of so many adoptees and birth moms/dads in the world. I have learned about the TRAUMA (not the pain, the trauma) that adoption causes and that has been the biggest discovery for me. I had NO idea the separation was so traumatic for both mother and child. How could I have been so naive? The propoganda, I guess, “protected” me from those truths. Think about movies you’ve seen where a baby was torn from a mother’s arms and the pain that movie portrays, it’s the exact same thing for a birth mother who is relinquishing their baby. It is no different except that people would say that in this case, it’s her choice. Choice? If anyone thinks she really has a choice then they’re not paying attention. Adoption is portrayed as the easy way out. Can you believe that? The easy way out, not hardly. What is easy about a mother bonding with their baby in-utero and then having to pass that baby off to strangers knowing they will never see that baby again. People also discount or don’t think about the baby’s feelings as the baby has also bonded with the mother; that is scientifically proven. In my book I talk about how the nurses said I was very cranky and cried a lot. I say it’s because I went straight into the cold arms of the doctors and nurses instead of the warm arms of my mother. Babies have survival instinct and feelings, we’re not just machines that come out. Then there are the mothers who do get to hold their babies for a short time, which also develops the bond, and then the baby is passed over to someone else. The babies feel that loss, too. I urge everyone to go read about the Primal Wound Theory; there’s something to that!
So I am going to un-censor myself for this one time, for the sake of awareness, and talk about my truest feelings and the pain I have felt. After I found out I was adopted in the 4th grade, I was excited. I enjoyed that there was a mystery and more to learn about myself. When I got older, my a-mom and I had a really hard time relating to each other and we fought constantly. That is when I really started to become sad for the loss of my birth mother. I don’t think I was too un-like a lot of teenagers who “hate” their parents for not letting them do this or that but I felt like my a-mom did not understand me at all; and she didn’t. It wasn’t her fault that she couldn’t relate to me on those levels because we were just two completely different people. I remember sitting in my room crying my eyes out wishing I knew who my birth mom was and imagined that my life would be so much better if I were with her. (Sorry mom, but that is the truth, and it doesn’t make me love you less). My mom didn’t have my DNA; she couldn’t relate her own behaviors in her youth to mine like most of us do with our kids. I say all the time about my daughter – oh my gosh I was the same way! Being that I was the same way, I know how to deal with what she’s going through because we share DNA and deal with things similarly. My a-mom didn’t have that luxury so it was hard on both of us. She did the best she could but unlike most kids, I knew I had another mother out in the world somewhere and when I was upset I would cry for her, just like I’m sure I cried for her when I was a newborn. Once I got into the Army, I was too busy to think about all that stuff. I was on my own and doing well so there were no triggers. Once I had my daughter (whom I had considered relinquishing but thank GOD didn’t), and settled down then I began to try and find my birth mom. It wasn’t easy at first because Alabama was a closed records state. It was very frustrating as all of you adoptees know, but I was patient. I wrote the Congressmen with justifications for the law to open the records and it wasn’t long until they did! Knowing what I know now, I realize how much of a feat and accomplishment that was! How lucky was I to have only had to wait a short time for that to happen? Most adoptees will never have that luxury. I got my original birth certificate and it had some things marked off with marker. How is that open?? And then the names were different on the court paperwork they sent me. It was still not going to be that easy, but I handed it off to a PI who found her within a month. Again, I was pretty lucky that it didn’t take that long. Reunion has opened up new wounds I never knew existed. My birth mom has an amazing life with an amazing family and I struggle all the time with the fact that I missed out. I know, though, we would likely not have had that same fabulous life because things would’ve been very different for us. I also struggle with the fact that I’m not physically located with all of them and when I see pictures of the “whole” family together, I do get jealous and small stab of pain that it’s really not my family. We didn’t all grow up together and know each other like I know my a-family. My a-family really knows me but of course, that’s 40 years of knowing me. My bio family has only known me for 9 years; it’s a slow process and we’re working on it. As happy as I am to know all of them and as much as I love all of them, a small part of me is still sad that I didn’t have them and I feel like an appendage to their family. I know they all love me to pieces and everyone is so grateful that I’m back in the family but it isn’t easy. I don’t want them to pretend like it’s easy and I need to stop pretending like it’s easy. Ok – that felt good.
So there – I’ve done my part to bring awareness to the other side of adoption, the not so pretty side of adoption. I want you all to know that wasn’t easy for me to really put myself out there but I thank you all so very much for giving me the platform and the courage to really be honest with myself and my family. I know some of them will never understand but that’s ok, as long as they continue to love me. I still think there’s a time and place for adoption but I’m slowly coming to the realization that it should be absolutely the worst case truly no other option scenario and adoptive parents should look into foster care children first, not newborns. I think more should be done to keep families together and I think there’ nothing wrong with believing in adoption while knowing there are changes that have to be made. It has to be a culture shift that it’s not the easy way out or the first thing people should think of in difficult situations. The first step to that culture change is speaking out on the truths of adoptions, all sides of adoption. I am so grateful to have found my bio family and I love them so much but nothing worthwhile is ever easy and we shouldn’t put our blinders on, we should work through the difficulties. I have a happy life but it’s because of how I have chosen to play the cards I was dealt. I had the best possible hand but so many others weren’t and I encourage them to speak out about it and I encourage others to listen – even “happy” adoptees. You may be happy (such as myself) but it doesn’t mean you didn’t have pain and suffering that you dealt with because of your adoption.
Here I am, one year later, and I wish I could go back to that interview and not only tell my happy story, but talk about the other realities of adoption. I didn’t know then, but if I ever have the chance again I will be sure to talk about the other truths and I won’t sugar coat it. I apologize to those who feel I just fed the beast with my happy story. I promise to move forward with the knowledge you have given me. And now, back to my regularly scheduled programming of writing posts purely to help adoptees live positive lives. Thank you all for listening and thank you to my adoptive and bio families for your compassion and understanding. I love you ALL.
Two sides to every coin… er…. adoption situation and no one is wrong
Who among you think that every belief and/or value is completely right or completely wrong? We have all developed our own thoughts, opinions, beliefs, values based on our experiences and situations but do you maintain that your opinions are 100% right without any gray area? Do you think there is absolutely no other way to feel about something and that people who do are just wrong? Something has been bothering me ever since I found the #adoption social media network. I have read the opinions and feelings of birth families, adoptive families and adoptees and as much as we preach about not speaking for us, I find that we actually do it to each other. I would like to give one specific example of this. I saw a tweet a few weeks ago that addressed the “silly cliches” that adoptive families and adoption agencies use to make us adoptees feel better. It was implying that those cliches are senseless and only meant to pacify us and help us feel grateful that we’re adopted, which many feel is intentionally neglecting the real problems we have as adoptees. Here’s how I feel about those “silly cliches”: Those explanations made me feel good about being adopted. Does that horrify you? Do you think that I should be ashamed and that I was lied to and should be angry about that? Are you telling me to feel betrayed by my adoptive parents? Are you telling me how to feel, period? Each and every one of us has the right to feel any way we want about our own situations. Some adoptees may justifiably feel those cliches are dumb and shouldn’t be used but others, like me, love that my parents explained things to me in a way that made me feel good. What they said to me was true; I am special. Just as I don’t want anyone telling me to be mad about those explanations, I’m not telling you to be glad. You are more than welcome to be mad at them and you likely have a very good reason for not liking them! There are two sides to every situation, every feeling, every belief. Being an adoptee can be complicated and there is no absolute way to feel; there are good things and bad things and we all feel differently about it based on our experiences! There are many adoptees who did not benefit from adoption and who are traumatized because of it but there are also adoptees who had beautiful lives and are amazing people BECAUSE they were adopted. Adoption is unique to every single situation, just as every situation surrounding a pregnant woman is different. Some women are in a serious relationship with the father, some are not. Even those women who are in a committed relationship with the father have different circumstances. No two pregnancy situations are the same; they can be similar, but not the exact same. No two adoptive families are the same in the way they adopted or raised their adopted child. Why can’t we talk about being adopted with open minds and support that not everyone feels the same way about it? We need to embrace adoptees whether they are happy people, or not. It’s about healing, if you need healing, and about helping others. It’s not about raising pitchforks to happy adoptees, it’s about raising pitchforks to the fraudulent parts of the adoption industry and antiquated legislation that holds our identities prisoner. Some adoptees don’t even care about THAT but let’s not condemn them for it. There are plenty of us who do want to fight those injustices. Let’s take just some of that energy usually spent talking about all the things that may or may not have have made us miserable and band together in the one ideal that everyone can agree is wrong and tell the world what our rights are and fight for that. Imagine the power…
The Adoptee’s Formula for Top Life Performance
Even the corporate world is starting to get that people are happier, therefore more productive, if you stimulate more than their brains. It requires going deeper than the surface when facing a task or an obstacle in completing a task. Cognitive skills are important but this theory maintains that your emotional state not only enhances your performance but also sustains it without depleting your health. The Harvard Business Review’s article called “The Making of a Corporate Athlete” states that people that have a deeper meaning and purpose sustain a high level of performance. Can’t we say the same in all aspects of our lives? Think about a person who knows their purpose in life, like a motivational speaker who is spreading awareness on something they’re passionate about. You can actually feel their energy and they can usually cause an effect in the people they talk to; aren’t they performing in their life? Aren’t they happy? Now think about someone who is lost in the world and can’t seem to find their purpose. They can be the smartest person in the world but feeling lost makes them unhappy. The constant searching and the focus on being unhappy keeps that person from performing to their fullest capacity in life. I see so many adoptees who struggle with this, always searching, searching, searching. What are they missing out on because they’re looking for their identity? Human nature is that we need to know who we are before we can find our purpose in life. Some adoptees will never be able to find out where they came from so let me offer a way of thinking that might help get past that. If you’re one of those adoptees who will never know, use the power of your brain and thoughts to convince yourself that you’re the first of your bloodline! You are the beginning and maybe your purpose is to start a bloodline with a special purpose: a bloodline who will always know who they are and where they came from or maybe you could create a legacy for your children and their children and so on. Be the first one and create your bloodline in the way you want and there is your purpose. Once you have a purpose, you can start performing in life and even more importantly, be happy. The Harvard article talks about training executives on this performance pyramid that takes into account their mind, body and spirit. We need to train in the same way for our lives and happiness. Be a leader in your own life. Be a performer. You have the power!
Harvard Business Review article:
Battling Identity Abrasions
An identity abrasion is when you feel like someone is attacking your moral code and/or beliefs. This has become a popular subject in today’s business world in regards to political correctness and how it is having an unintended negative impact in how people deal with each other in the workplace. There is a Harvard Business Review article that explains how the fear of being seen as a “bad person” by making personnel choices or providing critical feedback is stifling constructive engagement. As per the usual, I began to think about this theory of identity abrasion and how it might apply to adoptees and/or anyone else in the adoption triad. I know of at least a few “first” mothers who fear reuniting with their child because the child might think they’re a bad person for “giving them up”. It may or may not be true but the mother has passed on the opportunity to reunite from that fear. I know many adoptees who don’t talk about their curiosity of their biological family for fear their adoptive family will think they’re ungrateful. Although we all know that we aren’t selfish for wanting to know our back story, many adoptees keep quiet and live in agony and trapped by this fear. When we do actually experience an identity abrasion, mental and physical things start happening to you. For me, I start to feel flushed and my heart races with embarrassment and anger and I start to shake. My mind starts firing off angry thoughts and I feel the need to justify myself; I don’t want someone to think I’m ungrateful, stupid, or just plain wrong. It is like I lose all rational thought and reason. What I don’t stop to think about in that moment is that there is a reason that person said what they said, or feel the way they feel. I have to stop and realize people aren’t the cause of my problems rather how I receive them is the cause of my problem. If I stop long enough to think of the situation in these terms, I can ask the questions that will tell me why they feel a certain way or said a certain comment to me. People don’t always intend to be rude, believe it or not! You have no idea what their background is that might cause them to think a certain way. Next time you feel like your moral code or needs are attacked, pause. Take a deep breath and relax. Then ask them questions that will help you understand better what they meant by it. For example, if you are talking to an acquaintance about searching for your biological family and that person tells you that you should be grateful for what you had then try asking that person: What was your childhood like? Flip the script on them and try to find out why they have such strong feelings about YOUR situation! You might find out that person was abused. Then you don’t have to feel angry, you can feel sympathetic and at the end you’re giving each other hugs! You can use this tactic in any situation like this whether it is at hone or at work. If your manager has given you feedback that you feel is unfair, pause, breath, and ask questions. If you’re on the other side of things and you’re the one that has to give critical feedback, be sure to do it kindly and with plenty of explanation and examples to back it up and then be prepared for that person to pause, breath, and ask questions! We’re all human and that is the bottom line. We all have experiences that shape our values and beliefs, whether we think they are right or wrong. Most people have good intentions but even those who don’t can be understood if you take the time to try. There is a reason behind every action. Understanding brings knowledge, which brings power.
The Harvard Business Review article can be found here:
Parenthood
Is there any greater joy, greater pain, greater stress, greater accomplishment than being a parent? Adoption agencies tell prospective clients all of the hardships that come with parenting but they don’t tell you about the pride you will feel from day one. They don’t tell them how you feel complete just by the presence of your child because they are an extension of you. I don’t want to make this about adoption, though, I want to simply express astonishment that every single day I am surprised when I think I couldn’t feel more angry, more proud, more happy, more stressed by my child and then….. I do. How? How do my emotions and expressions intensify with every day that passes? Is it the higher life stakes that brings me to my knees either in praise or frustration? What makes it all even more interesting is that my child is exactly like me in almost every way. It’s like I’m raising my clone and you would think this would make it easier but it makes it harder. I know the pitfalls but she doesn’t and can’t comprehend them and I think we all know teenagers think they know better. When she needs to be and do better at something, I’m the one that stresses. I want to jump into her body and do what I know needs to be done and knowing that I can’t do that stresses me out! I feel her pain, her happiness, her stress like it is my own. When she was born and was young, I stressed over shaping her character and developing her morals. Righting her wrongs didn’t seem to stress me out too much because I was in control. Once she got into Middle School she developed a level of maturity that shocked me. I have been so lucky in that she makes very mature decisions for herself. Was it the values I instilled in her from birth? I’d like to think so but she has her own personality and likes/dislikes and her own mind so who is to say I made her the way she is? Maybe she was always that way and just grew into it. Now she’s in high school and I’m realizing that things she does now will directly affect her future, and her happiness. She has a lot of responsibility on her shoulders and because she has always been responsible, I give her a lot of space to make decisions and do the right thing without me having to tell her. I’m proud that I can do that. Although I have learned from experience not to underestimate her, she’s still a kid and still learning and I wouldn’t have it any other way. When she was little, I helped her develop character but now that she’s older she has to let her mistakes develop her character. I also have never felt so proud of this young lady, who isn’t perfect, but is learning. I have to be just as proud of the mistakes. The great grandmother in the movie “Parenthood” talked about how she loved roller coasters. She said she had never felt so anxious, happy, scared, excited, sick to her stomach, and thrilled all at once. Isn’t being a parent exactly the same thing? The grandfather in the movie talked about how you don’t stop being a parent when your kids turn 18 years old. He talked about how they are always your kids and the parenting never ends. It’s a never ending roller coaster. I personally hate real roller coasters and will only ride it once! I hate it when I’m on it, then when I get off I think it was pretty fun, but I never get on it again. Maybe that’s why I only had one child! My head, heart, and guts could never do it again, but I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything in the world. When or if someone is trying to tell you only the negative of having kids, remember that nothing worthwhile is ever easy. Raising a child truly is the greatest accomplishment humans can achieve, whether you gave birth to them or not.
State of the Union (also know as my blog)
I have been in the blogging business for over a year now and I never imagined how much joy and peace it would give me, and continues to give me. I never know what my final product will be or how far I will go or what new revelations I will discover when I begin writing a topic. Writing makes me dig deeper than even my inner thoughts do when I’m just thinking. I wanted to first say THANK YOU to everyone and anyone who actually reads my blog, whether you’re a one time visitor or a dedicated follower. There are a few things I want to highlight (some self marketing, if you will) to ensure you know everything I offer outside of a weekly article. If you look to the right column, you will find a “Buy Now” button through paypal, to buy a paperback hardcopy version of my book. Not too many of you are purchasing it this way so after one month I’m going to disable that. Another reason I’m disabling that function is because you can now buy my book on Amazon for your Kindle or Fire! More and more people are preferring to buy their books this way and it is cheaper. It is $12.99 hard copy or $9.99 on Amazon. Also in the right column are links to some of my favorite websites for adoptees. If you’d like to be on this list, let me know! Ok here is a very important and discouraging fact I need to discuss: My subscription service isn’t working! I love to see my subscriber number increasing by leaps and bounds everyday and it upsets me greatly that you all are not getting the email telling you when I post a new article. I’ve known for quite some time but have been trying to fix it and have worked with my hosting service numerous times to no avail. It is actually a problem with the plugin tool itself and until they work out the issue, I’m helpless. I could delete that service and use a new one but I lose over 3,800 subscribers if I do so I would ask that you please hang in there and hopefully it is resolved soon. In the meantime, if you want to know when I post a new article, go to my Facebook page and hit “Like” and you will see it in your newsfeed! You can also follow me on Twitter and Instagram, handle name for both is lizstory0611, for updates. As for the format of my blog, I like the short thought pieces that flow down in one page with the archives in a link to the right. Please go back and check out my other articles, too. I like that the page isn’t cluttered with links and ads all over the place making it easy to view and absorb. However, if you have any suggestions for me in how to make it better, I would love to hear them! Finally, I just want to thank each and every one of you that take the time to read my thoughts on this wildly diverse subject of adoption from all sides and all opinions. I am not anti/pro anything. I just want to make people think and I want to help people heal. I don’t typically get comments on my posts that aren’t spam so I highly encourage you to speak up and be interactive. I truly want to hear your thoughts, even if they’re negative towards me or my ideals. I know we are not all the same and I think that’s a great thing. Each adoptee has a different experience and I’d love to post your story if you want to be heard. Again, I thank everyone who has taken a moment to read my blog; I hope you come back for more! xoxo
Is reunion for adoptees like reunion for kidnapped victims?
I read an article by a fellow adoption blogger, Judith Land, that posed an interesting question: Is adoption the psychological equivalent of a kidnapping? I felt it was timely for me to see this because I’ve been watching the new MTV show, Finding Carter, that is about a girl who was kidnapped as a toddler and raised with another woman as her mother. The girl was found as a teenager and returned to her family and of course she is having major emotional issues connecting to her “family”. I’ve been fascinated by it and noticing similarities in the way she feels with many adoptees. Then I see this blog post by Judith and I think there may be something to it. I think using the word kidnapping is a strong word with a terrible connotation so many people want to reject that right away. I don’t think that word should be the focus of what Judith was trying to get across, rather the emotions from being taken from your parent/s and given to strangers, even though it is accepted and legal. In many adoption cases, it works out and the children grow up to be well adjusted and happy people. Although I don’t think that ALL adoptees grow up feeling the emotions of someone that has been kidnapped, I do think adoptees who find their birth family do experience the same feelings of being reunited that kidnapped children feel. As in the case of this MTV character, she is reunited with her family and feels awkward and wonders what her role and place is in this family. She is expected to feel grateful to be home but she feels an allegiance to her “mom”, even though she is the one that kidnapped her. Judith focuses on how she felt similar feelings of a kidnapped child when she was adopted but I am relating more to the other end of things when we are reunited with our birth families. One thing is for sure, and I think that every one of us can agree on this, is that adoption causes trauma, whether it is recognized at the time or not, the child and the birth family experiences trauma. Most adoptees/birth families do recognize it and unfortunately suffer greatly throughout their lives from the separation. Yes, there are many, many wonderful stories of adoption and adoptees who feel safe, happy, and unbothered by the fact they were adopted but we cannot ignore those that have the opposite experience. The trauma, the suffering, the pain is real but so is the opportunity to heal from the primal wounds. We’re all in this together no matter what your own experience is/was so instead of arguing over who is right and who is wrong, let’s recognize that we all had unique experiences and support each other. I’m here for you and am anxious to help, tell me your story and your pain and let’s work on it together. xoxo
Website for the article: http://judithland.wordpress.
Did my birth story make me independent?
I am fiercely independent. It may be one of my strongest attributes and it happens to drive those who love me crazy but it isn’t something I can change even if I wanted to. I came into this world independent, without any parents until I was six weeks old, I’ve lived my life independent, and I’ll likely go out that way. I remember my mom always telling people that I was determined to everything myself. My independence has driven my stubbornness and my ambition. Where does it come from? A friend of mine would say it comes from my birth story. I was born and instead of going straight to my mother’s arms, I went to strangers, doctors and nurses, who likely were poking and prodding me with scientific instruments instead of cuddling and cooing with love in their eyes. I have no idea what the actual birth was like, if my mother was on pain killing drugs or not, or if it was an easy natural birth. I just know that I stayed in the hospital until my parents came to pick me up six weeks later. How cognizant are we at that age? How primal are our instincts? Isn’t it possible that I felt the cold nursery and steel or plastic crib, competing with all the other babies for food and attention? If that’s the case, isn’t it possible that I developed an instinct to fend for myself, even if I obviously couldn’t feed myself or change my own diaper, I think it’s possible my primal independence started then. I think it is possible that experience shaped my instinct to depend only on myself. Some traits are inherited and some are learned, is independence one that is learned? I think it’s possible. Why is it that I literally can’t force myself to want to depend on others for my happiness and livelihood? Even if my husband made millions of dollars, I don’t think that I could just not contribute to the finances. I have to stop myself when he tries to open my door for me and make myself wait so that he can do that. When I come home with groceries, I cannot force myself to let him take them in for me. It has almost become something I’m proud of, like – look, I can carry all these groceries on my own two arms all by myself without any help! How ridiculous is that? It’s something I am trying hard to break because I think it’s important to let people help me, especially my husband. It’s great that I am able to do everything for myself and I don’t need any help but if I don’t even allow people who want to help do that for me, then it pushes them away. It’s ok to accept help every now and then. It’s something I’m working on but it isn’t easy breaking a habit that was learned at birth. What does your birth story tell you about yourself?
