I’d like to do a whole series on this topic. There are so many different perspectives and examples and theories, I can’t possibly cover it all in one post! This is an age-old debate about what has the most influence on the human development: genetics or environment? I’ve always been interested in this and loved that my own life could be an experiment in this area. I have a core personality that I was born with that determined how I would react in different situations. But I have certain personality traits that I believe I learned over time through trial and error in life. But what causes us to like certain things, our preferences? For example, why do I love to watch movies? Did I inherit that or did I grow to love it because my mom loved it also. After meeting my birth mother I found out that she also loves to watch movies so I can’t say if that was inherited or learned. Another example is my mom loved to sew and was very crafty. I never liked it no matter how much she tried to get me to do it! My birth mom, on the other hand, doesn’t like it either. So is that preference inherited or was I rebelling against my mom because I didn’t like home sewn clothes? What are your thoughts on the matter? Think about your core personality and specific traits. Then take each trait and analyze whether or not you think you were born with that trait or if it was learned behavior. If you’re an adoptee and know your birth parents, give me your examples! This won’t be the last time you hear me talk about nature vs nurture… but my bottom line is that you’re in charge of who you are. Even core personality traits can’t keep you from being the person you want to be! It might be harder, but you can rise above! More to follow on that subject…

My birth mother (pictured on the right) and mom (pictured on the left) met for the first time two years ago and became friends….. is that weird? LOL! Just kidding, it’s not weird at all, it’s simply amazing. I am an adoptee that came from an old fashioned closed adoption situation. I didn’t know who gave birth to me until I was 30 years old. In the eight years since, I have become very close to my birth family, donated a kidney to my birth aunt, and introduced my birth mother to my mom. Can you imagine? Just take a moment to think about that… these dear ladies came from a different generation than we did. They came from a time when being pregnant out of wedlock was shameful and families (especially southern families) usually tried to hide it. This generation doesn’t hide anything and feels no shame, which by the way I think is fantastic. On the other side, my mom was not open about the fact that my brother and I were adopted. Mainly because that is not how she saw it, she saw us as hers from day one. So for these two beautiful ladies to finally meet after 38 years and bond so deeply is a testament to the goodness of adoption. It was a partnership and they were finally able to thank each other. For them to be able to put the past behind them and become friends has been so good for me. I never wanted one to feel resentful of the other and now I know…. they have a bond that will never be broken.

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Unfortunately, no one emailed me with their opinions on the closed vs. open adoptions. I’ve done a tad bit of research and find that I’m conflicted on how I feel about open adoption. I’m all for the pre-birth process. I believe it is so healthy for both sides to get to know each other. A birth mother needs to know who will be raising the baby and it helps them avoid the constant wonder of whether or not the child was in a good home. The birth mother will have that level of comfort to help ease the feelings of pain and guilt. I also think it is beautiful how the adoptive parents are involved in the pregnancy and actual birth. The adoptive parents can then relay that experience to their children. They can tell him/her if it was a rainy or beautiful day, if it was a hard or easy birth, and who cut the umbilical cord. Not to mention the obvious value of the adoptive parents being able to bond immediately with the precious baby. All of that seems like a win-win situation to me! It is the post-birth process that I question and wonder who that really benefits. I know that there are varying degrees of open adoption so let’s start with the bare minimum openness: sharing photos of the child once or twice a year and submitted through a third party. This seems like a nice gesture by the adoptive parents to just keep the birth parents informed however, how healthy is that for the birth parent? The point of adoption is to relinquish your responsibility to that child. That is a very painful experience and it seems like the once or twice a year reminder of your decision would make it worse. The degrees go up from there, all the way to visitations by the birth parents. I really don’t know who this benefits. This, to me, is not really adoption because the birth parents have just let someone else take on the hard responsibilities but the birth parents have the freedom to come around when they feel like it which interrupts a healthy child’s emotional development and the development of the family unit. This helps no one. So tell me…. where am I right and where am I wrong? What do you feel are the downfalls and/or the benefits? If you’re an adoptee, I want to hear your thoughts on this. I think I’ve been clear about my feelings on this. The less it is reinforced to the child that they are adopted, the better. Ok – for real, it’s YOUR TURN. Talk to me.

As I approach the finish line of completing my book for publishing, I realize how much work it has been but one of the biggest accomplishments of my life (even if I don’t sell one copy). My sister-in-law said it best when she said it was cathartic for me. I have learned so much about myself and those around me. It has brought a level of understanding I never knew possible. It has brought me closer to my friends and family but best of all brought me closer to my mom. She and I had a rough time together full of ups and lots of downs; but this book has helped us both understand each other better and we have an amazing relationship now; the best it has ever been! I have finally completed the editing process and added my pictures so it is now ready for publishing. I hope to have more details to you and how you can purchase it by the end of this week. I thank all of my family and friends for their support and I’m thankful for the process and how it has propelled me personally and professionally.

I want YOU…. to give me your thoughts. Here is the topic…. open adoption vs closed adoption. I am admittedly uneducated regarding open adoption but on the surface I am inclined to say I’m opposed to it. But let me know what you think. Comment or email me with your thoughts and we’ll have a healthy debate! Let’s go!! www.adopteesearchingforself@gmail.com

If you believe nothing else that I’ve talked about, believe that you are here for a purpose. Each and every one of us has a mission here, whether it is simply to learn or something as big as saving a life, we are all here with a reason. It isn’t usually clear to you what your reason is so you have to really open your eyes not only to your own life and decisions but also to everyone’s around you! Your existence alone may have saved someone from death or just a miserable life, especially if you’re adopted. If my mom and dad had not been able to have children nor adopt, then they would probably have had sad and unfulfilled lives. Who knows if they could’ve lasted the 52 years they’ve now been married had my brother and I not been born? In essence, our existence saved our parents from a very different, possibly sad life. That is probably not our only reason or purpose but I just wanted to show you that it can be just that simple. As for me, I believe I have several purposes, beyond fulfilling my parents’ lives. My existence also saved my birth aunt when I donated my kidney to her. Those are very obvious reasons but there are several more subtle ones that you just have to think about and most of the time you need to think outside yourself.  As usual, the ego will get in your way of finding truth. Shove the ego to the side and think about everyone around you and how you affect their lives. I bet you’ll find at least one of your purposes! When you do, put your energy into that and not the stupid, senseless, worrisome, daily garbage that stresses you out. Trust me, it’s not as meaningful as your purpose.

Adoptees are picked (one way or another) to be a part of a family. The adoptee doesn’t usually get a say in the matter and sometimes grow up in a family they don’t always get along with. Not only does this perpetuate the “I don’t belong” feelings but possibly is the genesis of those feelings. This may all be unfair to the adoptive family because there are just as many non-adoptive families that don’t get along! Those kids don’t have an “out” by being able to say they’re adopted!. There aren’t any families out there that get along 100% of the time and there is usually one jerk in the family that causes some dissention. So come on fellow adoptees, put the dinner fork down next time your selfish family member says something at the family party that provokes you… at least you can say “I’m adopted!”  🙂

If you don’t believe this then you’re just not paying attention! After writing a book about my life I saw a common theme that everything happened for a reason. Even a situation so devastating it makes you feel like you’re being punished, has a reason for happening. Sometimes it takes a long time to figure out why that happened but when you figure it out, it’s like an epiphany! When I failed out of college, I felt like a loser that had nothing going for me anymore. After a year or two, I joined the Army and that turned out to be the best thing I ever did for myself. That service afforded me an amazing career in the civilian world and best of all, I became a mother while I was in the Army. Even though my college door closed, it allowed the Army door to open and that has been one of the biggest blessings of my life! Was it my original plan? No, but so many great things have happened to me because of my college failure. Just like the butterfly effect, that failure made many things possible. Best of all, I have a loving husband and family all because of my unplanned life path. Who would’ve thought?

I would like to take this opportunity to give credit to Billy Blanks (Taebo creator) for my favorite saying… Where I am today is where my mind put me. It is SO true! Although he was using it to motivate people who want to get in shape and be healthy, I feel like it applies to everything in our lives. Think about it…. Thoughts are begun and decisions are made in our minds. In the context of health, the debate on whether or not I’m going to have that donut right in front of me happens in my mind and then I make the decision. Of course once in a while it is ok but if your mind continues to decide to eat donuts and other fatty foods then my weight will increase. Unless! … unless we are so determined to get in shape we make the decision not to have that donut. That is how our minds put us where we are today. So that mantra applies to every post I’ve made about making the decision to find the positive in every situation and living your life that way. I’m happy and successful because my mind put me where I am today. Thanks Billy!

It’s all good and well to tell people to think positively and great things will happen but what most motivators forget to add is that managing your expectations is an important part of that.  It is typically forgotten so people get frustrated and think the philosophy of thinking positive is garbage when they experience a failure or stall in their life plan. We must manage our expectations as we’re planning the goals for our life. This is the hardest thing in the world to do because we’re told to think outside the box and to think big for ourselves so how do we keep the element of reality in those plans? Every goal has a plan for how to get there. As you’re planning those steps to get there, think about each one and whether or not it’s possible to do that step. For example, let’s say I want to go back to school to get a PhD in Psychology (always a long time dream of mine). The goal is to get back in school. What do I do to get there? I have to find a school (easy) and then find the finances to do that (not so easy). Being “real” about that step means I have to ensure I can find the finances to do this. It doesn’t mean I can’t find finances it just means I need to be creative in how I do it. I have to make sure I’m ready to accept the fact that I can’t go to school quite yet. That is managing my expectation. What happens now is that I simply put my goal off until I’m able to figure out the finances. I’m not failing at going back to school but it’s being stalled until I can figure it out. I’m staying positive and keeping an open mind instead of getting frustrated and negative, completely giving up on my dream. So keep thinking big for yourself, nothing is unachievable as long as you’re willing to do the work and think positive! Even failures or stalls in life happen for a reason. Learn from it and apply it to your other goals and you may find yourself in an even better place than you had planned for!