Do you think being an adoptee has an affect on how you parent? I personally don’t feel like it affects the way I parent but I wonder if there are other adoptees out there who feel differently? I think it could affect it just because how we feel about ourselves impacts the way we parent our children. For instance, if an adoptee feels like they were unwanted then they might cling extra tight to their kids. The adoptee could overcompensate and smother them, wanting to make sure their children know they are wanted. Another possibility is that an adoptee feels insecure about people wanting or liking them, in general, and might fear that their own children don’t love them, either. This may cause the adoptee to spoil their children. On the other hand, being adopted could have a positive impact on the way an adoptee parents. Knowing you’re adopted could make you thankful for being able to have children of your own. Maybe the adoptee realizes that if they hadn’t been adopted, they wouldn’t have had those children so they appreciate them that much more. If you believe that the way you parent has a lot to do with the way you feel about yourself (and I do believe that) then it stands to reason that being adopted does have an effect on the way you interact with your children. If that is the case, then I think it ties back to the age at which you were adopted, as I’ve written about before. I think the older you are when you’re adopted, the higher the chances of you having low self-worth and insecurity issues therefore affecting the way you parent. However, if you’re adopted from birth and never knew any different than the family you had, then you are less likely to suffer from those feelings. What do you think? If you were adopted at an older age and you feel like it affected your parenting skills, I want to know! Am I right? Am I wrong? Tell me your opinion!

I have an emotional connection to the beach. I can’t explain it but since the first day I ever saw the ocean it mesmerized me. I was a senior in high school and was on my senior trip to Ft. Walton Beach, Florida. I would sit there at night and just close my eyes, listening to the waves crashing in on the beach. The sounds and warm breeze causes me to reflect and just breathe. So interesting that I ended up meeting my first husband in Germany, yet he was from the beach and that is where I ended up living. Although I’m not still with him, I still live near the beach and remarried to an amazing man. Everything happens for a reason, I always say. Today, I’m at a resort directly on the beach attending an event for work. I was very sad and lonely when I got here since I’m here alone however, at the suggestion of a friend, I took a walk on the beach and instantly I felt peaceful all alone. Tears welled up in my eyes as I felt so fortunate to be… just be. I’m so lucky. I’m lucky to have an amazing family (all of them) and lucky to be in this life. What makes you FEEL yourself, to your core? If you search for anything, search for that. It’s part of your journey. Good luck, friends.

Photo: My family at our house in the country before my brother and I went wild.

What kind of trouble did you get into as a kid? I did my fair share of raising hell when I was in high school. I grew up in a small town where there wasn’t a whole lot to do outside of movies and go-karts so we would cruise the streets looking for anyone who was having a party. We lived in a dry county but somehow alcohol would find its way to these parties and we would just be crazy teenagers. It was good for us that we had wide open spaces where we could be that way somewhat safely. I was discussing one of my close calls with my parents last time I was home. I told them how I was in a car with a bunch of kids and we had just come back from the liquor store and got pulled over. We hadn’t begun drinking yet but the cop made us pour out every single bottle of liquor and can of beer! My mom and dad were appalled! I made the comment to my dad that I wasn’t unlike every other teenager in history and told him that I was sure that he and his brothers and friends did a lot of stupid stuff too. They all grew up on farms and truly in the country in the 40’s and 50’s and I assumed they would also steal liquor and drink and raise hell. He very quickly said to me “how the hell do you think we did that”? I was silent and couldn’t believe that he got so defensive. He went on to tell me that first of all, they didn’t have money to get liquor and that back then they had too many responsibilities at that age to run around and be crazy. I guess I wasn’t thinking how easy our generation had it. My dad and his brothers had to work to help support the family. They had to grow up fast, UNLIKE me and my brother and others in my generation. We didn’t have any adult responsibilities or worries like that so we could just be kids. Although I had already come to the realization of how much my parents did for me years ago, it really struck me hard at that moment how much my parents sacrificed as kids and how much they did for us and loved us to give us everything we could ever need. I love my parents and am thankful they will never know all the bad things I did! But for the first time, I really felt bad for doing those things. My dad made me realize it and he didn’t even know it. When I was a kid I thought I had it bad living in the country and not having anything to do but I had it easy. Too bad it took my thirty something years to figure that out. THANKS MOM AND DAD, I LOVE YOU!!

You know that feeling when you accomplish something? Ya know, when you’ve put blood, sweat, and tears into something and then that moment comes when you’ve achieved it? It is one of the best feelings and that is how I feel right now but not with a degree, or a promotion, or anything like that. I feel like I’ve achieved my LIFE where it is right now. I’ve worked so hard, been through so much, got knocked down and came back up fighting so many times and it was all worth it to get to this point right here in my life. I know I still have so much to learn but I feel really accomplished in the fact that I am happy inside and out and at peace with every aspect of my past and present. I couldn’t be more prepared for my future and couldn’t have a better husband and daughter to share it with. I am sure I’m not finished with adversity and that life will challenge me again. I may get knocked down again but now I feel like I’m equipped mentally to handle it and come out on the other side even better. I can handle whatever life hands me next because I’m a fighter so bring it on!! Good or bad, I’m ready.

What’s your story? I want to hear it.

I was recently talking to a friend and he indicated he had a rough childhood. His mother was only 15 when she became pregnant and she raised him all alone so he never knew his father. I asked him to tell me more about that and out of nowhere, he gives me a fascinating twist. His mother had three more children after him and placed the last one for adoption! He told me how jealous he had been of the child because the adoption was arranged with people they knew and they were really nice and wealthy people. He wondered why this kid got to grow up that way while he lived in insecurity of his home and whether or not he would have electricity or food on any given day. Even though he was telling me very honestly how he felt as that child and how hard things were, every word he wrote to me had a positive tone, which surprised me. I think that even at a young age, he had compassion. He had compassion for his mom who worked hard and did her best and he had compassion for the child getting a better life than he had, even though he was jealous. Because of the compassion he had as a child and young adult, he harbors no resentment now. Any of the strong emotions he was telling me about was his story telling of a 13 year old child’s perspective. But even to me, that perspective was sensible and not destructive. There is more to his story of struggles but he is one of the rare kids who maintained a level of compassion for his family no matter how screwed up it was. It just motivated him to do and be better. When kids are also exposed to drugs and alcohol at young ages, they will either follow in those footsteps or break the cycle. Although his sister followed, he broke the cycle. He has a very successful life and has even taken care of his family and provided them opportunities to succeed financially. After everything they put him through he still had the COMPASSION to want them to succeed when he was able to help. I’m confounded by his generosity to them and applaud it. It is a perfect example of how being empathetic and compassionate helps you more than it helps the other person! It should be com-patience instead of com-passion because it does require a lot of patience. Being compassionate can be hard sometimes; you should never be so compassionate that you’re taken advantage of but known when is enough. This is critical for adoptees who are determined to know why they were placed for adoption; never assume you know the answers and be compassionate enough to understand what the reasons were, just as my friend did his whole life. He is now a happy, healthy adult with a beautiful family. Compassion is a virtue that is just as important as patience, we all need it for a healthy life.

photo creds to Bella Nicole

I bet Miss Manners never wrote a column on family etiquette between adoptive and birth families. Since finding my birth mother eight years ago, I have had to figure it out on my own and trust me it isn’t easy when so many delicate feelings are involved! I was constantly worried about hurting someone’s feelings. I had to figure out the protocol when it came to holidays and important events! Think about when you meet your in-laws for the first time. Each of you have a defined role in your lives together that is normal and usual and everyone knows what the roles are. Normal and usual are not terms you can relate to an adoptee who has both birth and adoptive parents in their life! In the beginning, it was like navigating a mine field, especially with my mother. She was very wary and insecure about my relationship with my birth mother and I totally understand that. So I had to make sure I wasn’t spending MORE time with my birth mother than my mom. My birth mother lives closer to me so I had to be careful if I spent a holiday with her and didn’t drive another 8 hours home to spend time with my parents. My whole family wondered if I was going to get closer to my birth family and forget all about them. That was never going to happen but how did they know? Holiday protocol is hard enough when you’re married and having to please two families but throw this twist in there and it gets nearly impossible to please everyone. Not only holidays can be hard but what about important events? When I got married, I was stressed out because I wanted to give the proper recognition to both my birth mother and my parents. How does one introduce your birth mother at a wedding along with the mom and dad? Even something as seemingly simple as what you call her can be tricky. She’s not my mom but she IS my mother! So I think after all this time I do have it all figured out. They all met at my wedding so everyone seems comfortable with everyone else and what our roles are but I don’t think it has been easy for any of us! So yeah… maybe Miss Manners should call me and she can write that article.

Photo Creds to Bella Nicole

Every adoptee talks about the importance of closure. Without it, we have doubts, questions, and fear about ourselves and our lives. We question who we are and our position in life. In essence, we fear what we don’t know. There are valid questions but then there are questions rooted in fear and anxiety that we largely place on ourselves. I firmly believe every person deserves and has the right to know who created them for several reasons. The largest reason, of course, being medical. We have the right to know what hereditary diseases we may be in for so we can take care of ourselves. We also have the right to know our heritage. Natural born children might take that for granted but it is something that adoptees latch on to because we don’t usually have the luxury of knowing. We deserve to know what hereditary traits were passed on to us. What if an adoptee is an addict or has mental disease? It would be helpful to know from birth if that was passed down so that the family could take extra steps to help that child. These are all reasons we deserve to know where we came from and those are valid questions. However, there are also questions that causes self doubt and fear for an adoptee. The biggest question we ask ourselves is why did our birth parents choose to place us for adoption. This is a question that may never get answered for an adoptee and without a healthy support system could cause he/she to feel unworthy and anxious about people leaving them for no reason. Unfortunately, adoptees will build that foundation for themselves; convinced that they were unwanted so when faced with challenging situations in life they use that as a crutch. Why do some adoptees assume that they were simply unwanted? There are so many beautiful and loving reasons for birth parents to choose adoption so why is it human nature to assume the worst? It’s like we’re choosing to feel sorry for ourselves. The question of “why” is an unhealthy question. It will likely never get answered and just causes self doubt. Throw that question away, it is completely 100% unnecessary. If you don’t, then more useless questions will build on that one question and before you know it, you are a very sad person who likely blames others for your problems. If you insist to know why then you must also be prepared for a bad news story but don’t use it as a reason for your problems or to feel sad. Your parents may not have been stand-up citizens according to society but one thing is for sure, they did what was best for you and made a very loving choice. We, as adoptees, do need closure but we should focus on “who” and not the “why”. I hope that one day all adoptees can easily find out where they come from all while protecting the birth parents’ identities if it is a closed adoption. I’m sure nowadays a more thorough medical history is done; but I hope they also add salient facts like heritage and mental issues. And for us curious cats, it would be nice if there is a sentence or two on why adoption was chosen although if you’re anything like me that would just fuel the curiosity! I found my birth mother and it has been very fulfilling so I don’t discourage getting that closure. Just manage your expectations and don’t create your own self doubt and fear with the unknown. Remember that environment had a lot to do with who you are, not just genetics!

According to Lesli Johnson, Marriage and Family Counselor specializing in adoption related issues, many adoptees have issues with self-worth, shame, identity and control. I wonder if this tends to happen more if a child is older when he/she is adopted or if the age matters? I was adopted at six weeks old and don’t feel as though I had any control or self-worth issues. I don’t recall feeling shame, either. I was very proud of the fact that I am adopted (and still am). And I can’t say I had identity issues; since I was adopted, I knew why I wasn’t like everyone else in my family. If a child is one or two years old, however, he/she might be acutely aware that someone left them behind without a mom and dad or a home. Time in an orphanage could damage their self-worth and all of those things Lesli Johnson mentions. I spoke to a lady who had been in the orphanage until she was 9 months old but she has no recollection of that time. Luckily she didn’t let that affect her attitude in life. She didn’t feel the abandonment so she didn’t harbor resentment towards it. Bu it begs the question, how long does the child have to feel the abandonment for it to take root? What about separation anxiety? Do most adoptees suffer from this even if they were give up as infants? My birth mother didn’t even get to see me before they took me away. I didn’t feel a mother’s touch until I was 6 weeks old. I am told I was really cranky and not a happy baby. Is that the effect of being taken away directly after birth? Lesli Johnson also says that early experiences have a large impact on the structure of our brain however, I did not appear to suffer any long term affects from it. I grew up like any other kid. I did have some self-esteem issues growing up but it had nothing to do with the fact I was adopted. If anything, that fact gave me comfort. So tell me fellow adoptees, at what age were you adopted and what effects do you think it had on you?

Peace out dudes! I’m going to take a break for a few days. I need to recharge and also look for new issues to debate for us!! If you have ideas or issues please email me! Also if you’re bored go like my Facebook page. https://www.facebook.com/adopteesearchingforself

email: adopteesearchingforself@gmail.com

twitter: @lizstory0611

Instagram: lizstory0611

This is a tough one. Most people don’t like to introspect because it might be scary or painful. I introspect all the time because I like to process the good things as well as the bad and think about how I dealt with them and whether or not I did the right things. We can learn from what we did right as well as what we did wrong (our mistakes). Since I was little, I had a diary and wrote often about what was going on in my life. Somehow, just writing out the way I felt about situations made me feel better. The way it looked in black and white was sometimes different than how I thought about it initially. The other benefit of writing it out was that I could go back years later and re-read it to think about whether or not I would deal with it the same way in the present time. Don’t just assume that you’ve always been right in the way you dealt with something because this will make you short sighted. We never stop growing and being introspective is a very healthy way to grow.