Crickett: That was my “name” growing up. Once I got to middle school, I made sure teachers and new friends called me Liz. I could never escape Crickett, though. And please notice that it is spelled with two “t’s”. In my kindergarten frame of mind I figured that if I had to have a weird name it might as well be spelled differently than an insect. I got older and more people I met called me Liz and the name Crickett is now associated with only my family and close friends of my family. That name has come to represent my childhood and family, growing up in the country. My birth family only knows me as Liz and so that has come to represent my adult and current life. Remember my post about what’s in a name? I took the stance that the name identifies you to a family and this continues to be true for me with Crickett vs Liz. When I hear Crickett, I automatically think of an innocent and precocious little girl trying to find her way in this big world. When I hear Liz, I think of an accomplished and well-balanced adult. Funny thing about names, the last name identifies you to a family but the first name identifies YOU. I just realized that. What’s in your name?

Sorry guys, no new insightful post today! I was busy writing my answers for an interview I hope will be published soon…. stay tuned!!! I’ve been doing some research, too, and I’ll have a brand new post for you to read tomorrow though! Come back tomorrow! PLEASE!

I’ve talked about bad things that turn out to be good things but  do horrible, tragic, life changing events also happen for a reason? How can we justify something really tragic like a car accident that takes your limbs or your mental capacity. Maybe your “thing” that happens isn’t always for YOU, maybe it’s for someone else. Maybe you were avoiding another car and subsequently caused yourself major injury? You saved the other person’s life. I’m sure that doesn’t exactly make you feel better, having saved someone else while you suffer their consequences but maybe you would be honored for your courageous act? Or maybe the example you set of being so selfless influences others to also be selfless. Maybe you will become an inspiration for the world. My dear friend has recently experienced near death and may have to live without the use of his legs and one of his arms. Knowing the kind of person that he is, if/when he is able, I know that he will show us all how he could overcome those challenges and still live a happy life. There are others who have overcome major adversity only to show others like them how they are still able to live a happy and fruitful life.  There is a gentlemen named Nick Vujicic who was born without arms or legs. His life’s mission has been to inspire the world with his ability to overcome these challenges. Sometimes you have to experience painful events and suffer awful consequences in order to help someone else. Maybe your life mission is to inspire the world, that could be your reason. Through the rain, there is sunshine so share that sunshine with the world because God knows the world needs it! The world needs people like Nick and my friend to show us that anything is possible if you put your mind to it.

Yes, it is certainly your mouth and you’re entitled to say whatever you want but don’t be surprised about the reactions you get. People (typically celebrities) usually say this when they’re suffering a backlash or bad reaction from something they’ve said. People can only form opinions of you based on your words and actions. You are free to say what you want but remember that others are free to think what they want. If you say controversial things don’t be mad that someone forms a bad opinion. I’m not saying you should care what people think of you but just know what to expect when you show people you don’t care what they think. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what you say as long as you’re true to yourself. If you’re being true to yourself, you’re not saying things JUST to make people mad or to get attention! Use your mouth for good, not to be self serving, and you won’t have to worry about what others think!

Typically, the heart leads your wants and the head leads your needs. If the two don’t agree then there is a hefty battle between them. Imagine that fight! In this corner, we have the head, weighing in at an average 3 lbs, and trained in logical and practical matters. And in the other corner we have the heart, weighing in at an average 10-12 ounces and trained in passion and spontaneity. They are told to fight fair and the bell rings. The heart comes out first very strong and leads the head in the direction the heart wants to go. The heart is remaining in control for longer than expected and has the head on the ground! The ref starts to countdown for a seemingly easy knockout when out of nowhere the head jumps up off the floor, punches the heart and staggers to the side ropes. It seems to be gaining strength and starts to pound on the heart wanting to let the heart know that it knows best what should happen and beating the heart to submission. The heart won’t go down easy though and fights back. The heart sucker punches the head and the head reels back for only a moment then comes back strong and gets in a few fair punches on the heart. The fight is going back and forth, each one wanting to win just as badly as the other. What are the stakes? Who will win? Who SHOULD win? When it comes to romantic relationships, the head doesn’t have a chance. The heart wants what it wants and will find a way to manipulate the head and eventually gets what it wants, whether its for the best or not. When it comes to dealing with family, the head needs to win because with family, the heart can get taken advantage of and that makes things worse. How do we step outside of this internal battle? Try to imagine it is your friend going through this and what would you say to them? Or talk to someone you know or a therapist that is completely removed and objective about the outcome. You want to protect both your head and heart and ideally, you come to a conclusion that is a draw between them. The head and the heart hug it out and walk out of the ring together, both triumphant because a compromise is made that makes you happy all the way around! It is hard and usually requires a “ref” so be sure you have one.

I know most of my posts talk about how we should always be positive and how to look for the reason that something is happening to you but that doesn’t mean that you don’t have the right to be upset. You’re allowed a mental breakdown or a good cry when you face adversity. It is part of the healthy process to allow yourself to feel upset and let it all out. I think everyone has heard that bottling it up isn’t any good for you. It is definitely good to get it out, whether you’re being rational or not, at least you’re letting those emotions out. It’s getting through that rain so that you can see the sunshine. What isn’t healthy is dwelling on the bad feelings. You cry or scream to let those bad feelings OUT of your mind and body. Then it is time to start thinking about what is next and what positives you can take from the situation. It had been a really long time since the last time I had cried but this week I broke down and pitched myself a fit. I cried really hard and even got into my car and screamed as loud as I could three times. I cried some more, then I gathered myself with positive and assertive thoughts. It felt good to let it all out that way but I didn’t want it to last because I like being happy! I’m not saying that every bad situation can be dealt with in a 10 minute outburst and it certainly won’t be solved that way but have your cry and then move on with a plan that is going to get you beyond it and propel you to a higher level of understanding. And as always, communicating or writing out your feelings will open your eyes to other possibilities and paths forward that you otherwise wouldn’t have thought of! Tell me what kind of tantrums you throw and how you move past it.

Photo: My half brother from my birth mother’s side. He is 6 years younger than me.

Let’s talk about something that is really hard for some adoptees and birth parents to think about. This is a painful subject but if we want to heal we have to face it head-on. As an adoptee, how did you feel when you learned you had half siblings? There is a range of emotions that you can feel all the way from joy (which, by the way, is the end of the spectrum I am on) all the way to a mix of bad emotions. So if I were to step away from my ever-positive self and try to look at the other end of the spectrum, I can see how some adoptees would first of all feel jealousy. The first question would be why that kid and why not me? From jealousy is born resentment. An adoptee might feel very resentful of both the birth parent and the sibling. There could be innocent pain watching the birth parent interact with the sibling. By innocent pain, I mean it is like the pain a small child feels when his favorite toy is taken away or given to someone else to play with. On the flip side, the birth mother (and I specifically say birth mother because she is the one who carried the babies giving her a special emotional connection) could also have pangs of guilt and sadness when holding the baby she kept. When the birth mother looks into that baby’s eyes, does she see what could have been with the first child? That would be very painful. Like I’ve written before, I’m very proud of the birth mothers who continue to have children when the time and situation is right. They should never punish themselves by not having more children. However, they could still be carrying that pain with them the rest of their lives and I would strongly encourage therapy for those mothers. Now me, I was overjoyed to hear that I had a half brother! I thought it would be fun to know from his perspective how it was to be raised by our mother. Although he and I really never talked about it, after all this time I can see that they aren’t unlike any other mother and child. I’m sure he drove her nuts as a teenager and young adult but they love each other unconditionally and have a great relationship. Their relationship was very similar to my relationship with my mom. I think as adoptees we fantasize about how much BETTER our lives would have been had we been raised by our birth parents. Why do we think that? Just because you’re a kid and get into an argument with your parents because they wouldn’t let you go out or give you a stiff curfew doesn’t mean your birth parents would have been any different! Stop and think about the fact there was a reason you were placed for adoption. Successful, wealthy, married and stable people who are trying to have children don’t typically place their babies for adoption. There was a good reason you were placed and you should be thankful that they did that for you. And the fact that they had kids at a later time when it was appropriate should make you feel good! Think about it the way I did! I was able to get the scoop on what it was really like to grow up with them! And remember that it’s not the sibling’s fault that you were adopted. Even if you grew up in a bad adoptive situation, there is no guarantee that being with your birth parent would have been any better! Be thankful for the life lessons you learned and use those to make yourself better. Get to know your half siblings and learn from them, too! Being jealous and resentful never helped NOBODY. JOY! not pain.

So I’m ALMOST ready to print my book!! The cover and back is being designed now and then it’ll be off to the printers. I’m so excited to share this with the world. However, even if I don’t sell one book, the process has been worth it because it has enriched all of my relationships. Writing is therapeutic for the author and everyone it involves because it is communicating. Some people (like me) have trouble verbalizing how they feel in the moment rather we like to think about it and then express ourselves when we have our thoughts together and have rationalized what we’re feeling and why. The interesting part of writing my book was that it forced me to answer questions I never thought of before and in the process ended up explaining to myself why things were the way they were. It helped me to understand my mom SO MUCH BETTER. She might not know it but writing this book changed the way I see her. I’m much more appreciative and grateful to her and I’ve begun to show her my appreciation. My book let her know that I was sorry for my actions throughout my young adult life. When she read it, she was also able to understand me better and it eased her insecurities about our relationship. We are on a different level of understanding and have more compassion towards each other. I’m so grateful that it’s a “better late than never” scenario! This book also was a catalyst for me to learn who my birth father was. I was able to express to my birth mother my desire to know without having to ask directly and maybe hurt her feelings. I was so worried about her in that situation since he had never known about me and I was worried she would get backlash from him when she did finally tell him. Because of this book, I learned who my birth father is and thankfully no one got hurt in that process. I also believe that the book helped my daughter’s father have a deeper understanding of what I went through during my life. Although he and I work very well together, I feel like since he’s read it he has more compassion for what I went through and understanding of how I dealt with things. And finally, maybe most importantly, my daughter has read the book. I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted her reading all the sordid details of my mistakes and the downfall of her father’s and my relationship but I felt she was mature enough to handle it. I truly believe reading it has helped her to have a better relationship with both her father and me. She really understands now on both sides what things were like and what the circumstances were and why we aren’t together. She gets it, she is compassionate about it, and she has an amazing relationship with the both of us. Since the day I started writing this book, I have been on an emotional roller coaster but that part of the ride is now over and I’ve come out on top with a solid understanding of myself and those around me. Even if I never print or sell one copy, the book has served its purpose. I have closure.