Whether you’re an adoptive mother or a birth mother, the love for your child is strong. Like a momma bear, we protect our young and guard them with our lives. Here is what adoptees need to know and understand: your birth mother had that same instinct the moment you were conceived. Even if she didn’t “want” you, she has that instinct inside her and a love for you that has no beginning and no end. Birth mothers physically give up their child but that instinct and that love has nowhere to go, it remains inside the birth mother, tormenting her for all her life. Let’s consider a birth mother that is strung out on drugs or alcohol and acts callous about a baby that she is placing for adoption. The love is still there, however, she is burying it deep, deep down inside and covering up the pain with substances. Birth mothers who say that they didn’t want children also have that innate love and even if she can bury it in the beginning, eventually it surfaces. Some women are incapable of dealing with those emotions so if you find your birth mother and she rejects you or meets you then later rejects you, it is because she simply cannot deal with all the emotions you are making her face. But know this – love is complicated and causes emotions that can destroy relationships. This is definitely a case of “it’s not you, it’s me” for birth mothers. You were gone, but the love was still there for her to deal with.  How can anyone possibly deal with that in a positive way? Since adoption exists so you can place your baby and never have to think about them again, that is what birth mothers think they are going to do but reality is, they have to deal with the maternal instincts without a child to direct them towards. Please do not blame your birth parent, or your adoptive parents, or society. Instead, have compassion for your birth mother and the pain she suffered in giving up her child. If you need to, forgive her for the person she was or is today then forgive yourself. Love is constant no matter how it is dealt with, it is there. The most important love of all is the love you have for yourself.

So the way my blog is laid out, first time visitors may not realize I have a TON of posts dating all the way back to July! Some of my best stuff was written months ago buried in the archives. Even if you’re not a first time visitor and follow me everyday, you might have forgotten some post subjects. So your mission, should you chose to accept it, is to go all the way back to July and read through the posts one by one. If you have an opinion on the subject, please comment! I’m really missing interaction with my readers so it would be fantastic if you could comment your thoughts so we can talk more deeply about the post! I’m also very interested in different perspectives on the topics I talk about so if you’re an adoptee, a birth parent, an adoptive parent, or birth family member I want to hear from you! Thank you to all of you who read my posts, happy reading!

There is a great reason animals are used in rehab and therapy facilities. The reason animals are great therapy is because they provide pure and unconditional love and are in no way judgmental. I love animals but my favorite animal is a cat and I always had one growing up. Ever since I was a little girl I would run to my cat for comfort when I was upset. Whether I was mad at my parents or got my heart broken, a good cry into the fur of my cat always made me feel better. It didn’t matter if I was right or wrong or making good decisions, my cat didn’t care. My cat wasn’t telling me how I should be living my life or what I should do next. Animals aren’t stupid, though, and you do have to gain their trust before you get that unconditional love. This is where the good therapy comes in, especially for people in rehab because it’s safer to gain an animal’s trust than a person’s trust. What is your favorite animal or what was your favorite pet growing up? Did having your pet help you as you were growing up like mine did for me?

So I’ve recently heard from other adoptees whose experiences include finding their birth parent is deceased. Could there be a bigger disappointment?? You suffer twice as much, from the loss and then the lack of closure. Your questions go unanswered for the rest of your life. It is like your favorite tv show getting canceled mid-season and NOTHING is resolved. It is completely up to your imagination to finish the story. We have questions about our birth parents and/or family. We want to know what they look like, we want to know what their personalities are like, heritage, and medical history, to name a few. While all of those things can be answered by others, there are answers to questions you will never get answered like, what would they think of me now, would they love my children, what was going through their minds when the decision was made to place me for adoption? So how do you possibly get past this ultimate disappointment? How do you bury years of curiosity and anticipation of one day meeting your birth parent? I would imagine that even meeting relatives wouldn’t fill the void you will feel. Other adoptee bloggers like Jessenia Arias (www.thenotsosecretlifeofanadoptee.com) and Lynne Miller (www.lyneeamiller.com) have experienced the death in their birth family and have written about that loss on their blogs. What do you think you have to learn from this? Did God become a bigger part of your life as you try to understand, forgive, and release the pain and anger? I have to believe that if we find our birth parent (or other birth family member) is deceased then it is somehow for the better.  I believe we all come here with a purpose and everything we experience is part of that process. If you can find your purpose, you can find a way to heal. If you experienced this, please tell me how you moved past it or how you think it fits into your purpose. In the meantime, please know that my heart and prayers are with you. xoxo

I think some people just like to be mad. You know those people, the ones who like drama? They get a kick out of being a victim or being mad but they may not even realize they like it! I’ve met adoptees who have negative attitudes and seem to enjoy telling me their bad situation. Some of them don’t even remember experiencing the bad situation, but they’ve either told themselves or been told for so many years that they take on that attitude. Then there are adoptees who go through very deep and painful experiences either with their adoptive family and/or birth families who are so positive and determined to not let those circumstances define them. I am humbled by the people who have been through the worst and felt so much pain yet they are not mad and angry people with bad attitudes. Everything happens for a reason. Stop blaming everyone and everything around you and learn to appreciate those bad situations for making you the great person you are! It’s not what you’ve been through, it’s how you came out better.

If you haven’t heard about this case regarding Veronica Brown, her father, and her adoptive parents, I urge you to read about that before reading this post. This story is about a sweet little girl who was adopted by her birth mother’s choice and the birth father contested it but has lost custody to the adoptive parents. I could pick this story apart in soooooo many ways and look at it from many different perspectives, all different. In stories like this you want to place blame somewhere but where to place that blame? Many people (mostly Cherokee Indians) are blaming the adoptive parents for fighting for the girl. Many others are blaming the girl’s biological father for initially wanting to give up parental rights although he was not successful in that. He later attempted to contest the adoption. Some would even blame the birth mother for choosing adoption without giving the father a chance. I don’t think that placing blame on any of these people is fair. The birth mother was under the impression the father didn’t want the child, nor did she, therefore she attempted to do the right thing. The adoptive parents are good people looking to give a sweet child the life she would never have otherwise. They took the child and fell in love with her. The birth father wants his little girl and is more than capable of raising her. Why are we spending our emotional calories blaming people? The little girl is blessed to be so loved and wanted, I pray that she grows up knowing that. Law has now mandated that the child return with her adoptive parents. However, I know that reality is that if she suffers any unhappiness at all she will blame her adoptive parents and her biological father and mother for not making sure she grew up with them. Here is the REAL ISSUE and where you can direct your blame: the law. Unfortunately, the law is black and white and there is nothing black and white about issues regarding children. Since when is every child exactly the same? Their little personalities and the way they deal with things are different. The law should take in every variable involved in this case and ultimately do what is in the best interest of the little girl, right? I guess that’s the problem; everyone wants to love and care for her but there are three sides to every story: yours, theirs, and the truth. Every situation is different so don’t treat them all the same. In this case, all of them suffer. There are no easy answers in this situation but I hope that the adoptive parents are at least aware that one day that little girl will ask them why they didn’t let her biological father keep her. What are your thoughts regarding this controversial matter?

I’m going to see my Hogs play today! I’ve never seen them play before and I’m so excited! I get to feel my roots while I’m in Florida. I’ll be thinking of my family today! I have been missing home so this is a perfect compromise. Even though I’m adopted i still feel my roots are in Arkansas. Just like a tree, my parents planted me in Arkansas and my roots grew deep and strong. I have branched out to Alabama but today I’m going to enjoy a good Arkansas game! Go hogs!

The sudden death of a dear friend last night has me thinking about life and death. I’m not going to write a long-winded post about how life is fleeting and to take advantage of every moment you have with your loved ones, although I could. Instead I want to talk about what happens when an adoptee searches for the birth family and one or more of them have passed. I have one friend who found her birth mother who told her that her birth father had passed years ago. She was really sad about it, of course. It makes you feel like you don’t have that closure we so desire and need. We need all of our questions answered and the death of that person just causes more questions like, what would it have been like to hang out with them now or what would they think of me and how I’ve turned out. Adoptees face so many uncertainties and fears and insecurities when it comes to our birth families and facing the death of someone you didn’t know but who had everything to do with who you are is difficult to deal with. Although I didn’t experience it myself, if I put myself in those shoes, I feel like I would need to have some sort of “ceremony” where I lay that person to rest. I would want to go to their grave, talk to them, pray to them, and then put them to rest in my head. What you cannot do but are inclined to do is focus on how unfair it is. Yes it is unfair! Get that anger and sadness out of your system, accept it with your own ceremony, and move forward only focusing on the living. I know there are many of you that have experienced this so tell me how you dealt with it or if you have great advice for others, please share!