As I’ve talked about in a previous post, if you tell yourself you are something or you feel something over and over your whole life, even when you don’t experience it, you eventually make that perception your reality and it becomes part of who you are. This can be good, or this can be bad. It works when we use it to make ourselves successful. There is a theory that you can have what you want if you visualize it and tell yourself you can have it over time. The same can happen if you’re telling yourself something negative. So the question for adoptive parents is this: How much focus do I place on the fact that my child is adopted? This is a great question and a great balance. My parents only told me one time and then unless I had questions, it was never talked about again. I grew up knowing I was adopted but my reality was that my parents were not adoptive parents, they were simply mom and dad. Even after I found my birth mother I didn’t say to myself, well, I found my real mom so goodbye Brenda and Howard! No! They’re mom and dad and always will be. On the other hand, what if they had told me quite often that I was adopted, that I came from someone else’s belly? What if they read “you were adopted” children’s books to me all the time? The “I’m adopted” statements would echo through my brain so often that now my focus isn’t on my parents and living my life like a normal child but that there’s someone else out there that is my mom and would cause me to be even more curious about that, which might develop into negative feelings about how that “mom” didn’t want me. Obviously, it’s healthy to tell your child they are adopted but I don’t believe it’s healthy for the child to be constantly reminded that they are adopted. Once again – if you tell yourself over and over that you had burned your hand, one day your reality will be that you burned your hand. Adoptive parents also believe their perceptions. My mom would actually say things like I inherited a certain trait from her side of the family. Inside, I smiled when she said things like that but it really solidified the fact that she believed with all her heart and soul that I was all hers. Those beautiful feelings got transferred to me. I was still curious but not because I felt like I didn’t belong… it was clear that I did. It was clear.
Yeah… So…. I’m invading Mobile, Alabama with my presence and book!! That’s right, I’m starting my book tour in the same place I began. Ever since I worked with Gov Riley and the great civic leaders on a project, I really fell in love with the city and its’ people. I feel connected! So here is what I have planned for you, Mobile…. Starting November 7th I will be appearing on the Fox News Studio 10 morning show to promote the book and my events. Thursday afternoon from 4pm until 7pm I will be at Carpe Diem Coffee & Tea Company on Old Shell Road selling and signing books. Then Friday Nov 8th at 6pm I will be at the Serda Coffee Company on Royal St downtown Mobile for while the art walk is going on. Finally, I will be at the Cream and Sugar Cafe, also downtown, on Nov 9th from 9-11am for one last book signing event, in case you miss me at Carpe Diem and Serda’s! The best news of all is that my birth aunt will be with me on the Studio 10 morning show and my birth mother will be with me at my book signing events! You can meet us both! I’m so excited and happy that Mobile has welcomed me with open arms. And one last really cool thing is that November is National Adoption Month so what better way to celebrate that? Xoxo
Another one of my favorite posts, this one is from August. I was glad I re-read it because I need to be reminded of this from time to time. Happy re-reading!
You don’t have to understand why someone does something or acts a certain way. You don’t have to “get it” and you certainly don’t try to change it or you will drive yourself crazy. I talk a lot about giving people the “space” to react and this is no different. You obviously can’t change them so your only choice is to change the way you react to it. Remember that annoying kid in kindergarten that was determined to get your attention by pulling your hair or pinching you? The more you reacted to that, the more the kid would do it! It’s the same when we are adults. If you don’t provide a reaction to a behavior, it’s possible that behavior could stop. The trick is to let them act a fool and you stand on the sidelines and watch instead of react. When you don’t give that reaction they have no choice but to see themselves because they’re not distracted by watching you. It’s really funny, give it a try and see if it works! At the least, it will keep your blood pressure down and that alone is worth it.
I always thought my Uncle Tommy was the funniest guy. He wasn’t around a whole lot because he lived in Texas, but I spent a lot of summers with his kids (my cousins), Jennifer and Kenneth, at my grandma’s house. We had the best time. Jennifer and I would always put my grandmother’s high heels on and perform skits for the family. Jennifer reached out to me today about my book and it occurred to me that my Uncle was adopted from Seoul, Korea! It is such a sweet and special story, too. My grandfather was a First Sergeant in the US Army and served in WWII, Korea and Vietnam conflicts. My mom told me that a Korean mother had to put her two year old into the hospital with tuberculosis. She begged for a soldier to adopt the child so that he could receive the treatment he needed to survive. My grandfather stepped forward to adopt him and he became my Uncle Tommy. I spoke to him today; I had not spoken to him since 1998, for no good reason. When I remembered that he was adopted, I decided to call him to get his side of the story. He doesn’t remember being in that hospital or the events that led to his adoption but he remembers being loved and raised just like any other kid. I asked him whether or not he felt different (especially since he was half Korean) but he says no. He said that he was raised in a loving home with everything any other kid had, if not more. He said it never occurred to him that he was adopted and he believes that anyone who is raised that way should feel the same way. He wondered why I felt the need to search for my birth mother because he knew I had grown up in a loving home with a loving family. I told him I had been curious and that was it. I think he understood that, even though he couldn’t relate. He really had zero information on his biological parents and said that it had not occurred to him to ask his parents while they were alive. He really is fine not knowing. I wonder if it is a male adoptee vs a female adoptee thing… Are females generally more curious than males are? My Uncle has an amazing story and he doesn’t even recognize or care about his backstory or the first two years of his life. He had loving parents who raised him like any other kid. I say, good for him. He never had that burden or curiosity or the loss that so many adoptees do feel. I love you, Uncle Tommy, this one was for you! Xoxo
What causes us to feel a certain way? I think a lot of how we feel comes from perception. There are adoptees out there that weren’t adopted from birth. Some tell me that they never felt like they belonged because they always knew they were adopted and came from somewhere else. One particular adoptee told me that she had negative feelings because she was 3 ½ years old when she was adopted. Sadly, her biological mother’s friend dropped her off at an orphanage and then she was adopted. I asked her if she had memories of that and she said no. So how does she still feel to this day that she never belonged and out of place? I asked her if her parents treated her nicely and she said yes, she had a great family. So my question is if you don’t ever remember NOT being a part of that family and was raised in a decent home with parents, brother, cousins, aunts and uncles, how do you FEEL that abandonment? If I burn my hand, I feel the pain and likely won’t forget it. If I never feel that burn, I don’t feel the pain. However, if I tell myself daily that I did burn my hand and that it really hurt then eventually I’m going to simply feel that emotion even though I don’t remember the physical act of burning my hand. My theory is that she doesn’t feel this way because of her personal memories but a perception that she created for herself throughout her life. In her mind, she always told herself I’m adopted and I don’t belong here. It’s no wonder after telling herself that over and over her whole life that she took on the feeling of not belonging. Not to say her life was perfect and she should’ve been perfectly happy, however, I believe we can control our emotions. We choose how to process those events in our lives. If you want to be a happy person, then create that perception for yourself! Perception always becomes reality. Enjoy the yummy chocolates and throw away the bitter ones.
What are your favorite posts? I’m so disappointed that some of my favorite posts are buried in the archives so I’m going to spend a few days to re-post some of my favorites. Take a few minutes to tell me your favorite ones and I’ll re-post them! Then next week I’m going to talk about the sweet boy who begged in church for someone to adopt him, I’m going to talk about how I’ve come to understand and appreciate some of the feelings my birth mother deals with on a daily basis, and I’ll comment on some of the injustices of the adoption process. Also, I’ll be a guest blogger on adoption.net soon which will feature a piece on my birth mother meeting my parents for the first time after 36 years so stay tuned! Thanks again, for visiting my site and reading my thoughts, although they are sometimes random and have nothing to do with adoption! xoxo
I received my book proof today from my printer. I’m in love with it! I’m walking around the house with it in my hands because it has been such a long road traveled, with ups and downs, and here it is in my hands. Next step is to send in my signed approval sheet and I will have 300 copies mailed to me by Thanksgiving (hopefully). I am now going to begin planning my book tour. I will be taking it on the road to Searcy, Arkansas where I was raised and family lives. Then I will go to Mobile, Alabama and the surrounding areas where I was born and my birth family lives finishing up with some book signing events where I live in Florida. I’m beyond excited and look forward to talking to some small bookstores and locally owned businesses that might want to feature me. As I’ve said before, if I never sell one book it was all worth it. The process was incredibly cathartic and has led me on this unforeseen path. I’ve met so many wonderful people along the way and I think I have found yet another purpose in my life. This is a passion for me and I won’t stop. “We can’t stop” – Miley Cyrus
I talked last night about finding an “underground” network of bloggers and a lot of them are against adoption. I spent more time reading those and it is very upsetting to me. I’m an adoptee and these blogs make me feel like I SHOULD be upset about being adopted and that if I’m happy that I’ve simply been brainwashed by adoption propaganda. The things I read make me wonder why I’ve never been pissed off about being adopted. Is it just me?? Am I the only one that was excited by the fact I was adopted because it meant there was more to me than what meets the eye? It was a mystery for me to solve about myself. As frustrating as that was, it was exhilarating. Don’t get me wrong, I completely respect those people who are against adoption and honestly I am thankful I stumbled upon your blogs because it is making me think about the adoption industry in a more analytical nature. I never considered the money that exchanges hands and how corrupt that can be. I never considered the selfishness that is involved on some adoptive parents part (NOT ALL) that they are trying to fulfill their need with no regard to the child they would be receiving. I 100% appreciate and respect their feelings and so happy that I found their blogs. What makes my stomach churn and flip flop is that I never once felt anger or betrayal by my parents or my birth mother but these blogs make me feel alien for that. I don’t have a sense of loss and I will never feel betrayed but my heart hurts for those of you who do. I wish you had my “blindness” to all of that, although I doubt any of you wish the same. On the other hand, there are adoption activists that I could really get behind with their valid points of corruption in the industry (read about Veronica or Desirai). I’m all about a righteous fight! So I hope that even though I don’t feel the same way you do, that you will accept me into your world. I truly look forward to following all of you in your continued journeys and understanding your points of view. It takes all kinds… thank you all!
When I first started thinking about my blog I did some light research on other adoption blogs. I did the typical Google searches but I must not have dug beneath the surface because there wasn’t that much out there at first glance. Maybe my searches weren’t worded right or I was focusing my search too tightly, but I couldn’t find a lot from adoptees. Even for the first few months that I was active on the blog I didn’t find a whole lot. But all of a sudden, because of twitter, I have found a treasure trove of blogs and articles on adoption from all sorts of perspectives. I spent all last night reading and reading and interacting on twitter until I couldn’t read anymore. It’s like I unlocked or broke through the code and now get all kinds of notifications about interesting articles and blog postings. I feel like it is a bit “underground”, this whole network of bloggers and activists. I’m sure they don’t think they are hard to find, but they were for me. I’m just very happy that twitter has opened up my aperture on the subject. Expect lots of great posts in the future addressing many different opinions and debatable topics. But please, give me your opinions on the subjects. I LOVE a good debate!!
Note my link above is a video. I’m trying something new! Let me know how you like it compared to my daily photos.
I was perusing the adoptee blogs and facebook pages and came across one that is specifically for angry adoptees. There were some very interesting topics on there but I was intrigued by one of the posts that asked for positive adoptees who were happy to leave them alone, and to “go away”, This made me laugh! It was so blunt but I completely understand wanting to wallow in your misery and they have every right to do so. I applaud the person who came up with the site just for disgruntled adoptees. They have the right to feel angry and have a place to voice that anger without fear of repercussion or someone trying to beat positivity into them. I only try to inject positive solutions and thoughts to those who are looking for it. I would never impose myself on those who just need to vent. That, by the way, is a learned behavior; to let someone just vent without action. My daughter would vent to me and say irrational things out of anger to which I would immediately try to lecture her on a proper reaction and tell her how I could help fix the problem. She didn’t like that very much and started to shut down on me. It took an outside person to tell me that she just needs to vent sometimes without action on my part. She challenged me to just listen so I did and I saw that even though my daughter would be very angry I noticed that she would never take those reactions out on the person she was talking about. Turns out, she did just need to get it off her chest, then she would handle the situation appropriately. I learned that when people are hurting they say crazy and hurtful things but they just need to let it out there and then they can gather themselves and think rationally. So you go, angry adoptees! Say what you need to say, get it off your chest and hopefully you can feel better knowing there are others who feel the way you do. Then when you’re tired of being angry, come read my blog and talk to me.
