First day down and it was a doozy! It started early at the Fox News station! my Aunt Nell and my daughter and I were all interviewed about my book, being adopted, and donating my kidney to my birth aunt. It was a lot of fun. We then had a book signing event at a great coffee shop in Mobile called Carpe Diem. The coffee was great and atmosphere was so cozy! Time for bed now but tomorrow we will be at it again in downtown mobile at 6pm at the Serda’s Coffee Co. Below is the link to the tv interview. Enjoy!!

http://www.fox10tv.com/studio10/happening-here/woman-is-adopted-then-finds-birth-mother

I’m leaving tomorrow for Mobile, Alabama. I’m so proud to call Mobile my birthplace. It is a very charming, beautiful city with so many fun things to do. I spent quite a bit of time there about 6 years ago and got to know the Chamber and state/local leaders very well. I developed lifetime friendships from that time but I’m excited to meet more people from Mobile and make new friendships. I hope that you all can catch me on Fox News Studio 10 Thursday morning! I will be appearing with my daughter and my birth aunt, the one who received my kidney. I want to bring awareness to the GOODNESS of adoption as well as maybe inspire someone to give the gift of life and donate an organ. My birth family is very special to me (if you hadn’t already guessed that) and I’m so honored they greeted me with open arms when I waltzed into their lives eight years ago. The more people you have in your heart, the better your life will be.

Get ready, Mobile, I’m coming to you tomorrow!

Schedule of book signing events where you can purchase your copy and I’ll sign it:
Carpe Diem Coffee & Tea Co. on Old Shell Road Nov 7th 4pm-7pm

Serda’s Coffee Company downtown Mobile Nov 8th 6pm-9pm

Cream and Sugar Café Nov 9th 9am-12pm

Photo: Bunch of good kids I went to school with who surely lived above the influence.

Sure we live in adult bodies but sometimes our minds are susceptible to peer pressure, just like when we were adolescents. There are people who are very passionate and convincing, making you feel like their opinions are the only sensible ones. All of a sudden you begin to wonder why you haven’t thought that way before and start to transform your opinions. I think every one of us can say this has happened in some capacity, whether you were convinced to add the sports package on to your cable service or to donate to the latest trendy cause, we are all subject to influence. I think it’s ok to be influenced to THINK about whatever it is they’re saying, but don’t be a blind sheep who follows just because you’re told to follow. You have your own brain that makes decisions and forms opinions based on your genetic code, upbringing, and experiences. I am grateful to have found so may people who are anti-adoption because it has really made me think about their points of view and I’m working on getting more educated about adoption, the good and bad of it. I haven’t quite fallen to their “side” yet, and I don’t think I will ever say I’m against adoption. But it has caused me to think and learn more about it. When I first started this journey I thought that everyone loved adoption and most people had good experiences. Of course I’m not delusional, I knew there were very bad cases of children being abused or birth mothers being forced to give up their children. But I thought our society as a whole thought adoption was good. Now I see there are so many who say otherwise so I’m listening… but not following. I’m learning and that is enriching my life my scope so that I can write with a very open mind. You don’t have to be a leader, but don’t blindly follow. Listen to your heart and gut, and educate yourself. Make an informed and solid decision that can be based on passion, but not led by it.

Have you ever been told not to care what others think and to be yourself? Do you find that to be easier said than done? We all care on some level what others think but there is a way to not worry about that and it’s not that hard to do! You want to know how? Be true to yourself. Do “you”, not the superficial and immature “you”, but the “you” that may be buried deep. Adoptees will tell you they don’t know who they really are until they find their birth parents but your genetic makeup and environment have already made you who you are today. Finding your birth parent is only the “aaah” moment. When you meet them and get to know them you feel that validation but you already knew who you were. Finding the birth parent just validates WHY you are the way you are. Remember that post about perceptions? Yeah, if you tell yourself you don’t know who you are because you never found your birth parent then you will become a lost soul believing that is the only way to know but you already know! It’s in your gut who you are, you just are unsure of yourself. Follow your gut (genetics/environment) and do what makes you happy and THAT is staying true to yourself. Don’t depend on someone else to make you feel whole, only you can do that for yourself. One day, you will realize who it is you are and it might be through trial and error of actions, but you will figure it out. Also, instead of worrying about what others THINK, worry more about how your actions make others FEEL. People who matter will form opinions of you based on how you make them feel. No matter what, please know somewhere inside you are GUCCI, believe it, live it. Stay Gucci, pony boy.

Do you have any idea how powerful perception is in the shaping of your opinions and your own reality of situations and people in your life? It affects every single aspect of our lives yet it can be the flimsiest of foundations on which we feel and think and act. The most powerful thing you can do for yourself is control your perceptions (positive) instead of letting them control you (negative). Consider just one of your ideals and ask yourself how you come to be or believe that ideal? Let’s take racists as an example. The most likely reason someone is racist is because they grew up in a racist home or constantly heard anti-race propaganda. They heard for so long how bad “those” people are they just believed it to be true. This is flimsy, but it happens everyday. But now let’s say that person is racist because of personal experiences with people of a certain race. Is it ok to be racist then? Of course not, because more than likely this person has had just as many bad experiences with people of their own race but other people’s perceptions has affected the way this person shaped their thoughts. But let’s be honest, how many racists do you hear say they are racist because of bad experiences they continuously had their whole lives from one race? Right. Ok so now let’s look at adoptees. I’ve been racking my brain on why there are so many sad and hurt and angry adoptees out there yet I am so happy and know so many others that feel the way I do. It has really been bothering me, wondering why I am the odd man out and it was beginning to make me feel I was wrong for being happy, which didn’t sit well with me. After weeks of thinking about this, I believe this issue of perception is at the root of why there are differences among us. I am NOT saying that there are people out there who didn’t suffer because of adoption in some way or another. What I’m proposing is that you let your situation control you and in the end it caused you to have a bad perception on adoption as a whole. Now let me say that I believe you have every right to feel the pain of what you went through. I believe there are many adoptive parents and adoption agencies that handled the child and the birth mother all wrong leaving so many people damaged. I’m so very sorry for those of you who were raised in unloving homes or for the birth mothers who were lied to and manipulated. You were wronged on so many levels. Those of you who took your experiences and made something positive out of it by becoming activists, attempting to right the wrongs of adoption, is commendable! What I don’t like is when I feel someone is trying to force their ideals onto me when I had a great childhood and reunion. I don’t like being told that I was brainwashed to feel grateful. These are the people that are letting their perceptions control their lives in a negative way and then spreading that negativity. Perception is very powerful. Viktor Frankl, a Jewish psychiatrist who survived the Holocaust, wrote a book called “Man’s Search For Meaning” and spoke of how he was able to survive by creating a perception for himself outside of that concentration camp. He told himself and imagined himself outside of those walls every possible moment and he believed it was going to happen. The power of perception knows no bounds. My mother always believed people could beat cancer with a positive attitude and fighting nature. When she unfortunately was diagnosed with cancer herself, she tested that theory and has survived leukemia now for 12 years now, outlasting her prognosis. If only we could bottle that kind of positive attitude, maybe we could finally have world peace! In closing, I would like to caveat my whole post by saying it is simply a theory and maybe I’m just trying to create my own perception so that I feel justified in being happy as an adoptee! But I do not claim to be absolutely right about every statement I’ve made and welcome your opposing opinions. Also I do not judge others or condemn anyone for feeling the way they do, I’m simply trying to understand because with understanding comes compassion. We could all use more of that.

photo creds to Bella Nicole

This is one of my favorite posts. It is a bit tongue in cheek but really was something I had figure out on my own. Let me know your experiences with this!

I bet Miss Manners never wrote a column on family etiquette between adoptive and birth families. Since finding my birth mother eight years ago, I have had to figure it out on my own and trust me it isn’t easy when so many delicate feelings are involved! I was constantly worried about hurting someone’s feelings. I had to figure out the protocol when it came to holidays and important events! Think about when you meet your in-laws for the first time. Each of you have a defined role in your lives together that is normal and usual and everyone knows what the roles are. Normal and usual are not terms you can relate to an adoptee who has both birth and adoptive parents in their life! In the beginning, it was like navigating a mine field, especially with my mother. She was very wary and insecure about my relationship with my birth mother and I totally understand that. So I had to make sure I wasn’t spending MORE time with my birth mother than my mom. My birth mother lives closer to me so I had to be careful if I spent a holiday with her and didn’t drive another 8 hours home to spend time with my parents. My whole family wondered if I was going to get closer to my birth family and forget all about them. That was never going to happen but how did they know? Holiday protocol is hard enough when you’re married and having to please two families but throw this twist in there and it gets nearly impossible to please everyone. Not only holidays can be hard but what about important events? When I got married, I was stressed out because I wanted to give the proper recognition to both my birth mother and my parents. How does one introduce your birth mother at a wedding along with the mom and dad? Even something as seemingly simple as what you call her can be tricky. She’s not my mom but she IS my mother! So I think after all this time I do have it all figured out. They all met at my wedding so everyone seems comfortable with everyone else and what our roles are but I don’t think it has been easy for any of us! So yeah… maybe Miss Manners should call me and she can write that article.

My mom told me I was special when I was in the 4th grade because she and my dad got to “pick” me out of all the little babies. That is how she told me I was adopted. Although I was indeed special, they didn’t get to “pick” me out of a lineup. It was as much a tall tale as the stork dropping babies off at parents’ front doors, but it was a great way to let me know in a sweet compassionate way that I was adopted. In truth, my parents had to wait years to get through the adoption process. They were pros by the time they adopted me because they had already been through it with my older brother. My parents went through an agency in Mississippi (where they were living at the time) and went through a two year process of interviews with social workers and inspections of their home and every private detail of their lives. The social workers also interviewed my brother who told them every time he saw them to make sure it was a girl so he could have a little sister. My parents got the call on my dad’s birthday that they had a little girl for them and my parents were off to get me. I would love to know what the decision process was on the agency’s side to match me up with my parents. Why me? Why them? Why all of us together? I’m sure the people in that “underground network’ of adoption bloggers and activists I found know exactly how that goes down so maybe one of them will give me some idea. Was it simply luck that brought us all together…or fate that placed me into the hands of the greatest family for me and who I would become? Whatever it was, I’m grateful. Yes, momma, I am special but not because you “picked” me, but because you MADE me that way. You made me believe it and gave me the confidence to BE special. Thank you!

Photo: My half brother from my birth mother’s side. He is 6 years younger than me.

Let’s talk about something that is really hard for some adoptees and birth parents to think about. This is a painful subject but if we want to heal we have to face it head-on. As an adoptee, how did you feel when you learned you had half siblings? There is a range of emotions that you can feel all the way from joy (which, by the way, is the end of the spectrum I am on) all the way to a mix of bad emotions. So if I were to step away from my ever-positive self and try to look at the other end of the spectrum, I can see how some adoptees would first of all feel jealousy. The first question would be why that kid and why not me? From jealousy is born resentment. An adoptee might feel very resentful of both the birth parent and the sibling. There could be innocent pain watching the birth parent interact with the sibling. By innocent pain, I mean it is like the pain a small child feels when his favorite toy is taken away or given to someone else to play with. On the flip side, the birth mother (and I specifically say birth mother because she is the one who carried the babies giving her a special emotional connection) could also have pangs of guilt and sadness when holding the baby she kept. When the birth mother looks into that baby’s eyes, does she see what could have been with the first child? That would be very painful. Like I’ve written before, I’m very proud of the birth mothers who continue to have children when the time and situation is right. They should never punish themselves by not having more children. However, they could still be carrying that pain with them the rest of their lives and I would strongly encourage therapy for those mothers. Now me, I was overjoyed to hear that I had a half brother! I thought it would be fun to know from his perspective how it was to be raised by our mother. Although he and I really never talked about it, after all this time I can see that they aren’t unlike any other mother and child. I’m sure he drove her nuts as a teenager and young adult but they love each other unconditionally and have a great relationship. Their relationship was very similar to my relationship with my mom. I think as adoptees we fantasize about how much BETTER our lives would have been had we been raised by our birth parents. Why do we think that? Just because you’re a kid and get into an argument with your parents because they wouldn’t let you go out or give you a stiff curfew doesn’t mean your birth parents would have been any different! Stop and think about the fact there was a reason you were placed for adoption. Successful, wealthy, married and stable people who are trying to have children don’t typically place their babies for adoption. There was a good reason you were placed and you should be thankful that they did that for you. And the fact that they had kids at a later time when it was appropriate should make you feel good! Think about it the way I did! I was able to get the scoop on what it was really like to grow up with them! And remember that it’s not the sibling’s fault that you were adopted. Even if you grew up in a bad adoptive situation, there is no guarantee that being with your birth parent would have been any better! Be thankful for the life lessons you learned and use those to make yourself better. Get to know your half siblings and learn from them, too! Being jealous and resentful never helped NOBODY. JOY! not pain.

Afterthoughts: I’m re-posting this piece and since I first wrote it I’ve learned about adoptees who don’t want people to tell them they SHOULD be happy their birth parents placed them for adoptions so I apologize for telling you how to feel. I’ve learned from you that I should be more sensitive to your feelings and should never presume to tell you how you should be and/or feel. I thank you for opening my eyes to your opinions. Keep ’em coming! xoxo

Allow me to go off topic today… for just a moment…

The Middle School bully may not be the worst bully, but it has the worst effect on the kid being bullied. It is a well-known fact that this is the most impressionable age. This is when kids are really finding themselves and unfortunately a lot of them aren’t strong enough to NOT let perceptions become their reality. However, the very sad truth is that the bully also has deep insecurity issues that they are taking out on innocent bystanders. I wish I could help the bullies so that they wouldn’t be bullies anymore. If I could reach the middle school bullies, this is what I’d say.

Dear Middle School bully, I want to know why and I don’t want to hear the obvious answer from the top of your head like: it’s fun, or it’s easy. I want you to look deep inside yourself and tell me why. Does it make you happy to your core to tease and taunt other people? I realize it may be fun and make you happy in the moment but when you go home after school and you’re sitting by yourself in your room, does it make you a happy person 24 hours a day 7 days a week? People immediately want to hate a bully because let’s face it, you’re not a nice person and you leave devastation in your wake, however I don’t hate you. I don’t presume to know what is going on in your sad life to make you so hateful but it has to be pretty bad for you to want others to be as miserable as you are. You would never admit to anyone that you’re miserable but you don’t have to because your actions speak louder than words. I want to know why. I want to know your past, your deepest darkest feelings and the awful things YOU have gone through that makes you want others to feel the same way. Your cheap shots for your own amusement only lasts for the moment. Don’t you want to feel happy most of the time instead of some of the time? I think all you need is some compassion and love and someone to work with you. It’s really easy to be happy…. It takes a lot of work to be miserable. Make it easier on yourself and everyone around you and just try it. Just to try “pay it forward” and see how it comes back to you. It can’t hurt… can’t hurt worse than the pain you already feel. I dare you to try it. Sincerely, someone who cares.

I know this has nothing to do with adoption but my daughter is in middle school and I see a lot of this going on and kids committing suicide because of it. The way I approach a problem is to get to the root of the issue and resolve it.  But this root issue isn’t easily resolved because the bully’s parent is the only one who can make sure he/she gets the treatment they need. Unfortunately, their parents are usually not very involved, which is one of the biggest reasons a kid is a bully. I wish I could make the whole world a better place, one kid at a time. (sigh) Ok… now back to your regularly scheduled programming. I’ll be back to adoption issues soon. Thanks for letting me rant.

Am I just naturally a positive person or did I learn to be that way from my environment? Are cynical people BORN cynical or MADE to be that way? According to University of California-Irvine personality researcher Salvatore Maddi, people develop a cynical view from their environment and experiences although most psychologists can agree that cynicism is at least part of the genes. In an article published by Psychology Today, Maddi describes how one becomes cynical by putting in a lot of hard work to reach a specific goal and it is subverted therefore, not achieved. Their blind hope was dashed and the stage is now set for them to be very skeptical in the future. This may cause them to not go after a new goal because they now expect the worst. How do we balance those disappointments and learn from them rather than assume that every situation in the future will be exactly the same? You need people in your life that helps you see the different between horrible coincidence and things you may have done to cause the negative outcome of your goal. You need someone who is going to show you the lessons to learn. Maybe that’s why there are people like me in this world! I feel so sad for cynical people and I’m always trying to stabilize them and bring them a little closer to the light in life. As I always say, you have to give people the space to feel disappointment and anger but then it’s time to pull them out of the darkness. Help them see the reason that it happened and go forward smarter and better. As my mom always told me, pull yourself up by the bootstraps. Is she the reason I’m such a positive person? God knows I had my share of failures and setbacks but I kept getting back up and trying. Thank God I kept a positive attitude because that keeps you open to opportunities that you may have missed with a cynical attitude. Not to say cynical people aren’t successful but they must have a good balance to achieve that success. If you’re a cynical person, please tell me how you kept that balance in your life and how you maintain your happiness! I think you could teach some of these other cynics a thing or two!

Psychology Today article website: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200612/field-guide-the-cynic