Many of you know that I went home to Arkansas for Thanksgiving. My brother, nephew and dad all went to the woods for deer hunting so I was able to have a girls weekend with my mom, cousins and sister-in-law. It was a special Thanksgiving for me since I had not spent it with my family since moving to Florida, twelve years ago. Whenever I go home, I always get nostalgic. I was just home 3 months ago but I still drove around to all my old haunts to see how they were faring. My daughter has become very familiar with all the sites now as I force her through the same stories every time we go back. It seems when we all get together, all I want to do is talk about old times and every sentence begins with “remember that time…”. This time I was very fortunate to have met up with some very old friends at my book signing events. I saw friends and family that I had not seen for over twenty years! We talked about what we were all up to now, but the conversation always went back to old times and the traditions we had then. It’s so comforting to have that history and to be able to look back with my loved ones. As we grew up and on, nostalgia replaced tradition. I love going home and reliving my happy childhood with my cousins and brother. This time was also different because I was holding book signing events. My mom came with me to the first one at my cousin’s shop, The Sassy Stitch. It was very weird to be talking so openly about my adoption with her there and people asking her questions about it. It was never a topic of discussion when I was growing up because there was never a reason to discuss it. I was hyper sensitive for my mom’s feelings but she really has accepted it and could talk freely about it now. I’m so proud of her. Whether you’re adopted or not, you have a history with someone and there was bound to be one or two good times so embrace it. I hope everyone else had as great a Thanksgiving holiday as I did. I know it is a hard holiday for many but think of it this way – you made it through another one! Now focus on getting through today and tomorrow. I’m a little late here, but I want to tell every person reading this whether I know you or not, I’m very thankful for your existence and thankful that you are reading this blog. I wish all the peace in the world to each of you. Now on to Christmas!!!! xoxo
All posts by adopteesearchingforself@gmail.com
The choice of cryogenic conception has similar effects on the child as adoption does
This new show on MTV got me thinking…. Something I never realized is that cryogenically conceived children will grow up with a lot of the same curiosities as adoptees. I never stopped to think how the child will wonder about their medical history on that side, and appearance, and genealogy just as I did. I began to wonder about the process of becoming a sperm donor and assumed there had to be a qualification process for potential donors so I did a quick google search on the subject. According to Stanford, there are about 150 banks and are typically located near college campuses because apparently, the qualities found in college students are in high demand. I wonder if it is a consequence that the typical college students are in demand of money! But on to the more pressing questions in my mind, how are they selected and what is the parting information that they maintain on the donor… or more accurately, the father? But then people don’t tend to think in those terms when it comes to leaving behind a piece of themselves that is then transferred to a mother and then passed on to the child. Also according to Stanford, there are a series of screening questions that will either qualify or disqualify the donor, for example, if the donor uses intravenous drugs and/or have diseases they are automatically disqualified. Some banks get very specific in the type of donors they are looking for with physical and mental traits as with a California sperm bank. They require gentleman to be at least 5’9″, between 19 and 38 years old and not homosexuals. Excuse me, but haven’t we scientifically proven that homosexuality is not inherited? Also, being a homosexual is not a disease, so I’m not sure why it would be a disqualifier. Their requirements list goes on but what I was really looking for was what kind of information is left behind for either the mother or the child. I think it is different for different banks, but for this one in California, they now allow a choice for the donor. They can either choose open or confidential donations. Hmmmmm, that sounds a lot like adoptions, too. The open choice says that the donor (father) allows the child to make one contact with the donor after they turn 18 years old. The confidential option is the traditional option which mandates that no contact may be made and the donor can choose what, if any, information to leave behind for the child. The California bank boasts that their progressive “open” option allows the child the right to their heritage while the confidential option protects the donor’s privacy. Ok excuse me AGAIN, but who has the right to deny any person knowledge of their birth right and heritage? But so kind and progressive of this sperm bank, kudos to you. They even pat themselves on the back for other banks adopting this practice. So the reality of this in my mind is that whether you’re an adoptee or a child who came from a sperm donation, part of you is a secret. Some people truly don’t care to know and never wonder, as is this the case with my brother, my uncle, and several others. But there are many that do care and just want to know. I would encourage men who become donors to please choose open donations or at the very least leave behind a complete bio on yourself, medical history, heritage, what you’re like on the inside and outside. If you’re the kind of man that doesn’t agree with that, then you really shouldn’t be passing down your genes to others anyway. Sorry that was a bit harsh, but at this time, that’s the way I feel about it. I can always be dissuaded! If you disagree with any of this, I want to hear it and why. All I’m saying is that if you are a sperm donor, please leave behind enough information on yourself that your child, once of age, can choose to find out more about you and possibly contact you. That’s the responsibility you bear when you freely choose to create another human being. Think beyond the cup…
the first six weeks of my life
I saw a blog recently (can’t remember where now) that described the first few weeks of their life as lost, as if it never happened and how that upset them. That really resonated with me, I can relate. My life as Elizabeth began at 6 weeks old, but what about the previous six weeks? I was called “Susan” by the nurses and there are a few hand written pages by a nurse who was nice enough to document my mood, my sleeping and eating habits, and anything else my mom would need to know when I finally arrived home. It is so weird and hard for me to wrap my head around the fact I was in some type of holding place or orphanage if even for that short time. It’s clear I was taken care of and I’m sure the nurses were loving as they could be for all the babies there. I write in my book about how they said I was cranky and I imagined it was because I went straight from the womb to strangers, not even my parents. My birth mother was told not to look at me or hold me so she didn’t. But did those first six weeks define who I am today? Of course not, because my parents took me home and from the first time I was in their arms, I was re-born. The last 38 years of ups and downs have canceled out those first six weeks. I don’t remember those six weeks, does any person remember their first six weeks? What about a child whose mother suffers from PPD and doesn’t connect with their baby right away but overcomes it and then is able to be a loving mother to the baby? Does that child suffer from a feeling of rejection for the rest of their lives because of that? I’m not saying they don’t, just asking the question. Personally, I don’t feel that first six weeks defined me in any way. I don’t remember that time therefore it has no effect on me. However, I don’t want those first six weeks to be lost and forgotten because it happened and it was unlike most other children’s first six weeks that aren’t adopted. It’s good to remember and reflect but for me, events that happened in my first six weeks is nothing compared to the events that happened in the rest of my life that actually did define me.
Foreign Adoptions, what’s your opinion?
A friend asked me about my thoughts on foreign adoptions. My initial, knee-jerk reaction is that we should be adopting children in our own country first, but, I’m admittedly a bit ignorant on the subject so I did a little bit of research on it. I don’t like to speak my opinion without any facts to build my awareness. I was surprised to learn that in 2012 there were nearly as many US adoptions as international adoptions: 8,668 foreign adoptions vs 8,601 US adoptions. (Office of Children’s Issues statistics) The New York Times reports that international adoptions has suffered a 62% decline from an all time high of 22,991 foreign adoptions in 2004. The Huffington Post says this is because there is a decline in the availability of children. I think that is because the US tightened up on the regulations, rightfully so, because there was a lot of corruption going on in the international adoption industry. Just from a light google search I saw many stories about babies being ripped away from birth families without permission and embezzlement and fraud among foreign country governments. Why do that when there are so many babies right here in our very own country that need homes? There are over 400,000 orphans in the United States. (Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute) Having said all this, I do understand there are always special circumstances, as in the case of my Uncle who was adopted out of Korea by my grandfather who served in the Korean conflict. I am thankful for that particular foreign adoption. So as my initial reaction was to say no, we should adopt here at home, the other side of me asks why are we discriminating just by the country they come from? Millions of babies across the world need a home so why should we forget about them, as a richer country? So my opinion now is that I don’t know what is right or wrong. I think that each situation is different as people have different needs and situations. Sadly, there are too many babies and not enough good homes around the world. As an American, I want to say adopt here first, but as a human, I say do what feels right for you. It is a very personal choice and who am I to judge? All I would ask is that it is done legally and appropriately so that children aren’t “bought” and/or taken from their birth families against their wishes. If you’re considering adopting abroad, also have a solid plan in place to help that child not feel different, disconnected, or insecure because they look different and have different cultures than you. Respect that culture and help that child incorporate their mother country into their identities. It will be obvious that they come from a different country so don’t pretend that they don’t. Ok, I guess that’s my current opinion on the subject. I’m open to debate and more education on the subject. Let me know what you all think.
Ohio, New York, and 46 other states… what’s the deal??
Yep, I’m talking about closed records. It is appalling that in this day and age that there is still such thing as a sealed record of birth. It is not an exaggeration to say that this is a crime against humanity, or that it is a violation of civil rights. The purpose was to protect the identity of birth mothers in closed adoptions. I would love to see the number of birth mothers who really don’t wonder about their relinquished child for the rest of their lives and who wouldn’t love to know who they became and maybe even reunite. I know they exist but in proportion to those who do wonder, must be pretty small number. If you read my last post then you will remember that birth mothers barely have a sane frame of mind with which to make those kinds of decisions. Of course at that time in their lives, they want it to be shut and closed doors forever however, they can’t possibly know how they will feel in 18 years when the child is old enough to search. But in the end, that doesn’t even matter. No one, not even a birth mother, has the right to tell another human being that they are not allowed to know who they were when they were born and who they came from. I understand medical history is extremely important, too, but to me… it’s secondary to the importance of identity. Only an adoptee can understand that feeling of being told no, that they can’t see their original birth certificate that maybe has a name on it, that maybe has a father named, and definitely has the birth mother’s name. My original birth certificate had very little information, only that I was female, where I was born, and my birth mother’s name. Was my birth not important enough to even warrant recording the time at which I was welcomed into the world? This is not my birth mother’s fault, it was the fault of the system and it continues on today. I am ALL FOR ADOPTION! But I am not all for a system that denies a human their birth rights forever. Please, please go educate yourself whether you are adopted or not, and see how you can help millions of adoptees who are searching. A great source of info on this subject is a blog by Claudia D’Arcy titled Musings of the Lame. The website is: http://www.
Decisions, decisions…
When I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified. I was not in a relationship with the baby’s father and I was alone in a foreign country. At the time, I was in the Army stationed in Germany. I was so scared, I had very irrational thoughts. I absolutely could not imagine being a mother with a baby. It was inconceivable. It is amazing what your mind will do in these cases. I just told myself over and over that I couldn’t do it, that it wasn’t me, and it wasn’t what was meant for me at that time in my life. I even remember looking at a bunch of clothes I had just bought and was so excited to wear and thinking….. I can’t be pregnant, I won’t be able to wear my new clothes. It was irrational and based on fear. I racked my brain with these irrational thoughts and began to consider adoption. After all, it had worked out well for me… All I knew was that I couldn’t see myself with a baby. I imagined a little person calling me mommy and me saying, this is my daughter, or this is my son and I couldn’t imagine it. I was young, in the Army, no boyfriend or husband and had so much more to do for myself in the world. After the initial shock was wearing off and my brain was thinking a little more rationally, I called the one person who always knew what to say to me, my sister in law. At the time, she and my brother were trying to get pregnant so it was incredibly selfish of me to talk to her about it, but she (unselfishly and objectively) talked to me through it. The more I thought about it, the more I knew that I would never be able to hand over my baby when the time came. No matter how much I had not planned for this or thought that I didn’t want it, I knew that I would grow her in my tummy with a bond that would be so undeniable, I could never let go of that baby. I also knew what it was like to be an adoptee and didn’t want her to wonder her whole life about who I was and/or why I gave her up. Did I have good enough reasons that would make her grateful? I didn’t think so. I had no good excuse or reason to not raise this baby. It is amazing how fear can control your thoughts and actions. I can understand how easily birth mothers can be manipulated by adoption agencies or even friends and relatives. Birth mothers don’t know what to do and welcome someone to tell them what to do. I almost became a birth mother… it shudders me to the core to even think that could’ve happened. My daughter was exactly what I needed in my life, I didn’t know it at the time but I’m glad I followed my gut. She is the biggest blessing and I can not begin to imagine what my life would be like without her. She is my angel, then and now. Every situation is different, there is no comparing mine to yours or hers or theirs. This was MY experience and mine alone, I do not nor will I ever judge others for their decisions. I love my birth mother and will always be grateful for her decision. It was extreme, but it led me to where I am today, a healthy, happy, and loved mother.
Book availability
I have been asked several times how and where to purchase my book so I thought I would fill everyone in on what I plan to do. As you all know, I completed three successful book signing events in Mobile, Alabama but I have two more locations to book events: Searcy, Arkansas and Melbourne, Florida. After I have my events, I will make my book available for purchase online on this blog and ONLY on this blog. For now, I will not be selling my book through Amazon or other online book stores nor will I be selling it in the chain bookstores like Barnes & Noble. There may come a time when the demand for the book is so big that I have to go through a distributor but until then, I will be doing this myself! I think I may have a control issue! LOL! But seriously, doing it myself allows me to sell it at a cheaper price ($12.99). So if you’re in one of the areas where I’ll be personally selling my book you can plan to get it there and then, or wait until December when I will have it available on my online store on this blog. Thanks to everyone for their patience and I welcome any feedback you may have about this! Also, if you have a book already can you pretty please comment some feedback on what you thought of it? I can’t wait to hear how it made people feel!
Here is my current schedule of book signing events:
November 30th: Sassy Stitch 10am till 1pm – check out their facebook page, they have super cute boutique kids and babies clothes and other items: https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Sassy-Stitch/186562003409
November 30th: Midnight Oil Coffee Shop 4pm till 7pm
Dates TBD for events in Melbourne but will let you know when I have those dates/times/locations set.
I forget…
Photo Creds: Suzie Staples
I forget how I felt growing up, aching to know who my birth mother was. I forget how I felt as an adult, desperate to know what she looked like, what became of her, and why she gave me up for adoption. Once I found my birth mother, I no longer felt lost or melancholy about who I am. I got the closure I was looking for and the closer I got to her the quicker I forgot about the curiosity and frustration I had felt up until that point. What I’m about to describe is in no way meant to degrade how wonderful my adoptive family is or how great a life they gave me. What I’m going to describe is the wide range of emotions I personally experienced as an adoptee from the time my parents told me I was adopted up until I found her because as wonderful as everything is for me now, I forget that I did feel the same sad and frustrated emotions as other adoptees.
When my mom first told me, I was so excited. I was in the 4th grade and thought it was the coolest thing ever (mainly because of how she told me). If you don’t remember or don’t know how she told me, scroll through my blog posts, there’s one that describes it called, I Was Special. I was excited because there was something different about me than all the other kids. Now many people do not like to be different but I loved it. I thought it gave me a special feature that people would hear about and say “cool”! Also I loved, and still love, a mystery. I think in a former life I must have been a private investigator because I love solving mysteries. As immature as it sounds, that was one aspect that made me excited and happy to be adopted. It’s probably curious to most of you that i was happy and excited while so many of you felt abandoned and rejected. I in no way felt those emotions, ever. I can’t even tell you why, that’s just the way my brain told me to feel. I always loved attention and that was another way to get it. Is that genetic? Is that environmental? I don’t know that, but I do know that I’m glad I wasn’t afflicted with those sad feelings at such a young age. Unfortunately, the older I got, those feelings were dialed down while feelings of curiosity and frustration got turned up. The excitement of being different wore off and as I grew up and experienced normal life obstacles that caused hurt and fear, the longing for my birth mother began.
When I was first told about being adopted I raided my parent’s safe to find more information since my adoptive mom said she knew nothing of my birth mother. I found some papers that described her physically and a very short medical list and even some hobbies (who came up with THAT criteria for birth mothers to leave behind for their child?). By the time I got to high school, the papers were old and worn thin from me looking through them time after time. I had tired of just looking at those papers and after watching an Oprah show about adoptees being reunited with their birth families, I decided I was going to search for my birth mother. I decided to go on a road trip after I graduated high school to the adoption agency that handled my case. For the first time since I had been told about being adopted, I was excited again.
Unfortunately, the adoption agency could not hand me my original birth certificate and information because I wasn’t old enough and they told me of a requirement that I had to have had 30 hours of post-adoption counseling. So then came the feelings of complete and utter disappointment, frustration, and sadness. I had gone there with the expectation that I would have all my answers, so the answer I did get was like a punch in the gut. The next few years I really got out of control and tried to forget about my birth mother but she was never far from my thoughts no matter how much I tried to push her out… I actually think I tried to smoke and drink her out of my mind. I was also just a selfish teenager and then a young adult who wanted to party. Then I joined the Army and was forced to grow up. I still thought of her often but without a clear path to finding her, I let it all slip to the back of my mind while I tried to find myself, and love.
The next phase of feelings came when I had my daughter in 1999. When I got pregnant unexpectedly by a man I wasn’t in a relationship with, I considered adoption. It had worked out so well for me. Although I know SOOOO many of you hate that some adoptees feel grateful but I swear I always felt that way about it and I wasn’t brainwashed to feel that way, either. I never saw propaganda about adoption throughout my life and it wasn’t talked about at home. I just intrinsically felt grateful. When I got pregnant and considered adoption, I just knew I couldn’t go through with it. There was no reason for me to do that as I was 24 years old, had the father around, was financially stable and most importantly, had a supportive family. After the birth of my daughter, I started to feel sorry for my birth mother. I now knew what it felt like to grow a baby and to hold a baby and to love my baby. My birth mother never had the opportunity so my empathy towards her overwhelmed me and I was more determined than ever to find me to ease my pain, and hers.
At this point, feelings of frustration began to take over. These were the days before facebook and social media. In fact, AOL had just started chat rooms! I didn’t have a name, only where I was born and the state of Alabama had sealed records (which I believe is a crime against humanity). I put my name on several registries in the hopes that she was also looking for me but the internet wasn’t as mainstream in 2000 as it is now. I felt sad, lost and frustrated and then…. Alabama opened their records and I received my original birth certificate. I thought THIS was going to finally be it so once again my expectations were set high and once again, I was disappointed. My birth mother’s name was on there but there was a different name on the adoption court paperwork. Which one was right and on top of that, how could I possibly find her when I only have a maiden name? Basic google searches were not turning up my birth mother and my search went stale yet again. Major disappointment just fueled the frustration and sadness. On top of all of this I was having a hard time with my relationships and still struggled to find myself. I pushed the thoughts of her away again.
When I turned thirty, I couldn’t believe so much time had gone by without much progress on finding her so I decided to take the next step and hire a private investigator. This time, I kept my expectations in check and just tried to forget about it. Four weeks later, the PI called me. They had found her. I wasn’t ready for the emotions that came next.
One would think elation would be the first emotion however, I was frozen. I didn’t feel like it was real. I was in shock, happy, but in shock. I was given her phone number and the approval to proceed with contacting her, which I did…… three days later! That’s something else I wasn’t expecting, fear. I was scared to death of calling her. I didn’t know how she was going to receive me, what she was going to say, or if I would even like her or not! It was a can of worms I wasn’t sure I wanted to open. I will never forget making that call with my heart pounding. I had to leave a voice message, which she ended up saving for a very long time. We laugh about how I sounded then, very courteous and professional, like I always am with people I do not know. She called back, and we made plans to meet. In the meantime we sent pictures of ourselves back and forth. After all, my one and only wish was to see what she looked like. So this time, my expectations were met and I was happy! We met and next came all new emotions.
I was comfortable, comfortable with her and with myself. When we came face to face it was so natural, almost like she had just been to the store for the last 30 years. And the last eight years of getting to know her and my birth family has given me the closure and closeness I wanted and needed since I had been in the 4th grade. My emotions ended up right where they had started, excited and happy.
Nothing is ever perfect, I’ve had struggles since meeting her, to repair other relationships but the most important thing to me is that I can carry on in life feeling whole, like I know exactly where I came from. When I think about my personality I know what comes from her and what doesn’t. When I look in the mirror at my blue eyes, I can see her eyes. I don’t have to wonder anymore.
Being as happy as I am now for the last eight years, I forget how I felt then. When other adoptees who have not found their birth families contact me and express their feelings, I instantly remember and am empathetic. I want for them what I have, whether they want it or not! I have met several adoptees who don’t care to know, including my own brother and Uncle! They honestly couldn’t care less! I am happy for them, too, though. As long as they are at peace, that is all I could ever wish for anyone.
Wrap your love….
When someone is scared and lashing out, wrap them with your love. Fear is so powerful. I know I’ve talked about it before, but it bears repeating. Fear can control us, if we let it. It can control how we act and react to people. Just like a cornered, scared dog will try to bite you, people will snap back at you if they feel frightened. To the recipient, it seems irrational and cold, when most times it has nothing to do with you. If you are on the receiving end of this behavior, literally throw your arms around them and tell them how much you love them. When you were a kid and felt scared, didn’t you appreciate the warm embrace of someone who would comfort you? We age physically, but emotionally we will always need that comfort and security. It’s so hard to be on the receiving end of that fear-induced bark and it hurts your feelings but remember that fear is an affliction and the scared dog just needs to be reassured with some love. Pick that person up and lift them, wrap them with your love and let them know they can’t push you away. See what happens. You will see the armor come down and the ice melt. They will become as warm to you as you are to them.
THANK YOU MOBILE!
Wow, what a great city with great people. I had the best time in Mobile last weekend promoting my book! It was one of the best experiences of my life, almost like I gave birth again and this was my child’s coming out party! I am so grateful to have had the experience and I’m looking forward to more. I must give my shout-outs now, so bear with me. First of all, Brooke O’Donnell with Millimedia was amazing. She has the contacts and PR knowledge it takes to promote a product. She was going through one of the most stressful times in her life and still managed to stay on top of my events. I love her, not only because she is my sister-in-law, but because she is a great person! Thank you to Nell, my birth aunt who has my kidney and is treating it so well. She was kind enough to join me on the tv interview. She has become very active with the Kidney Foundation and is doing great work to raise awareness and research dollars. She has also gotten active in charity/fundraising walks/runs. She got a new lease on life and is determined to live it to the fullest! Thank you to my birth mother without whom none of this would be possible! She has done a lot of healing and has a lot of healing left to do but she has been very brave to come “out” in her community and city as a birth mother. It was difficult and she was scared, but she fought through that so that I could have my experience. I want to thank my daughter, Bella, for coming along for the ride and being so wonderful on tv and with all the people we met. She was a great saleswoman too! Thank you to my husband for his patience and constant support of everything that I do! He is amazing and I’m very lucky to have him! He was busy with his business, Brian’s Plate Glass, and was unable to join us for this trip. Thank you to my birth family that came and supported, my brother Sean, sister Kelly, brother Rob, my aunt Lee and my stepfather Bob. Finally, thank you to all of the wonderful people I met on this road trip! They say how inspiring I am, but everyone has a story and I found just as much inspiration in them. Ok, enough shout-outs (and I hope I didn’t forget anyone). Now I want your help. One of the first people I met was a kind lady who is a family law lawyer and works with a foundation called Adoption Rocks out of Mobile. The group endeavors to change the perception that adoption is bad. Although she and I didn’t get to talk too long, I am anxious to get to know her and the foundation better. For those of you who are anti-adoption, I want to talk to you too, because what I would like to do is fill the gaps between the two groups so that this foundation is honest and true and doesn’t have the issues that many do with manipulation and unethical money swapping. I have so much more to learn on the negatives so that I can move forward with positives that make sense for everyone. Talk to me, you guys, tell me your thoughts and help me help us all. Email me with the biggest problems of adoption and what many of these foundations do that you see as unethical. You’ll never convince me that adoption (as a whole) is bad, but I do know there are major problems so please tell me what those are. I have ideas on how to make adoption better, but I want to hear yours too. I look forward to it!
Email: adopteesearchingforself@gmail.com