All posts by adopteesearchingforself@gmail.com

Finding My Self Worth

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I have always been an introspective person with a belief that self-reflection is the key to growth. I began my first personal diary in the 1st grade. That diary was my prized possession! I wrote in the last page at the end of my first year in college. I continued to journal through all stages in my life; the last journal I have is from 2017. One of my favorite things to do is go back and read those journals because every now and then I uncover something that explains feelings/actions that have manifested years later. I found something recently…

There is tremendous pain and suffering for adoptees resulting from abandonment and separation at birth that manifests in different ways, troubled relationships, fear of being left alone, hoarding, etc… I have listened to stories and feelings from adoptees but never felt I had manifestations or challenges that stemmed from relinquishment at birth. The more I learned from other adoptees’ stories, the further I dove into my own actions and choices in life to see if I had been missing something. The most obvious issue that came to my mind was my inability to choose healthy romantic relationships in the past. Much of it in the beginning was just being young and naïve but that does not explain the subsequent trend of picking the wrong people or caring so deeply for someone who doesn’t care as much about me. I found myself being desperate to make people love me and when I failed to do that, assumed I would never be good enough for anyone. Eventually, after finding the ability to end unhealthy relationships, I found a new skill of being able to effortlessly cut people who were at one point so important to me out of my life entirely with little to no emotion. There’s a lot going on there…

I am now in a very healthy and wonderful relationship, with someone who not only knows me completely but naturally complements who I am. I also trimmed off toxic relationships and now have very positive friendships and family relationships. I have found a sort of nirvana, therefore, really haven’t thought too much more about my issues of the past. But a few days ago, I found some old journals from 1996 and my first year in the Army; I couldn’t help but skim through for amusement’s sake. I was reminded of the causal dating that I did early on and the fun I was having on my own. Then I got into my first serious relationship. It was not a healthy relationship because my boyfriend was battling internal demons that had nothing to do with me but affected me greatly. I did not need to be reminded of all the ups and downs of that relationship so I just skimmed through but my eyes locked on one sentence…

“I don’t know what I’m scared of, it’s not like he is going to fall completely out of love with me overnight…” 

Something clicked immediately and the light bulb went off in my head. I realized that this was a manifestation of being adopted that affected my relationships. The fear of someone instantly and suddenly walking away from me clouded my judgement on whether or not someone was right for me. I focused entirely on what I had done wrong instead of considering the possibility that the other person may have the issue. If someone pulled away from me for even a moment, I would assume it was my fault and that it was permanent. I have no worse feeling than someone thinking I’m not good enough and then walk away from me. There’s good news though…

While I only just realized that this manifestation played out in past relationships, at some point along the way I stopped that behavior and took control of my own destiny. I eventually started learning from those failed relationships and realized that I have the power to make changes and do things differently if I didn’t want the same outcome over and over. I figured out that I have to stand up for myself because it’s no one else’s job to do that. Maybe it’s all my journaling, maybe it’s my introspective nature, maybe it was amazing daughter, family, friends, and partner in life, maybe it was finding my biological family or a combination of all of the above… but I found my self-worth. 

I have to say that one more time, slowly. I. Found. My. Self. Worth.

I learned to say no, I learned when enough was enough, I learned how to move on with my head held high. It doesn’t mean I don’t still struggle every now and then because I do… but in the end I win. And guess what happened? The best people are still around and with me and the rest faded out. I couldn’t be happier. It really is true when they say, if I only knew then what I know now… but we have to live to learn.

Fellow adoptees, it can be the hardest thing in the world to learn and believe but you ARE WORTHY. Being relinquished or abandoned was NOT YOUR FAULT. Find support groups, find friends who relate, whatever it is, find it because I’m here to tell you THERE IS HOPE. Don’t give up on yourself, love yourself, and I promise you the best is yet to come.

The real effects of DNA

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I never thought about doing DNA testing for myself because I knew who my biological parents are but funny enough I found myself buying those kits for everyone around me (none adopted). Then one person said, why don’t you do one too? Omg, yes of course! Maybe I can find out even more about my heritage. I seem to have an insatiable need for info about myself. I received the results a few weeks ago. It was thrilling to see where my roots are and to find out I am basically half English and half Irish. I was not surprised, my skin tone and features are pretty consistent with that finding. The other, more interesting, piece was the connections I found. Obviously, my Uncle and 1st cousin were right at the top for matches but the long list of others that share my DNA was pretty incredible. Then they map out those people for you to see where they are across the world. There is someone that shares my DNA living about 15 miles north of me! I just can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that there are at least 200 people out there that are related to me and I know maybe 50 of them! It felt weird to have so many “family” members out there that I didn’t know and that many live in the same state as me. A very small part of me said – well I will never be alone! But I really didn’t know how to feel. I was excited to know my heritage but in a quandary about all the people in the world that share my DNA whom I will never know.
I then put myself in the shoes of an adoptee who does not have their biological information. Receiving a long list of people that are related to you must be overwhelming after a whole life of not knowing even one. The range and mix of emotions must be intense. Anger because you never knew who they were and lost the time with them, bewildered and abandoned all over again, excitement from now being able to reach out and touch someone that belongs to your tribe. If they live close to you, that can intensify those feelings knowing they were just around the corner the whole time. Let’s go ahead and throw fear and anxiety in to that bag of emotions because now you have choices and… you will find out your truth, which is the scariest of them all.
What if you’re related to someone you’re already friends with? What if you’re in a relationship with someone you’re related to? I was on a cruise a few weeks ago and we decided to share a table at dinner. The discussion dove into DNA testing and adopted people. They knew someone who was adopted who discovered some unpleasant truths thru DNA testing. I couldn’t help but pipe up and say something – imagine if they were dating their cousin and had no idea?! Birth records are closed so that is a risk that no one thinks about. They acknowledged they had no idea that birth records were closed and should not be. Then they quickly changed the subject. Maybe the could sense my passion and sensitivities on the topic (ha).
DNA is opening up truths and answering questions. Adoptees no longer need their birth records to find family. Open adoption is more prevalent now it seems but we still do not know the full impacts of that situation, either, and whether or not we are doing that right. There are only a few adult adoptees that grew up in open adoption situations. The few I am aware of do not write positively about it. We still need reform in the system and in choosing adoptive parents. There is much to learn about how to do adoption right and only if there is absolutely no other choice for the child. I’m so grateful for the DNA revolution that is breaking down the secrets. Now let’s start a revolution to make the adoption system work for biological families and adoptees, not just for the people who want to adopt.

…That is why I cry

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I was watching Grey’s Anatomy this week and there was a scene where one of the doctors was feeling sad about the loss of her mother the previous year. She was missing the bond, friendship, and closeness she had with her mother. I started crying because I started thinking of my own mother who has passed. Every time I start crying over my mom’s passing I feel disingenuous, and even “fake”, for grieving because it’s not like I’m wishing she were still here, which leads to all kinds of familiar guilt. I know… that’s pretty messed up to say and that is why I usually shut it down at that point and try to move on. This time, though, I pushed myself to question why it is I am upset. It didn’t take long to figure it out.

My mom and I did not have the closest relationship – ever. We fought a lot, we also had our times when we got along but… I never had the kind of relationship with her where she was my “go-to” person whom I would confide in or would ask for her guidance or advice. Maybe I would have not made so many bad decisions early in my adult life if I had but if I am being completely honest, my young self did not trust her ability to be what I needed (wow – I am only just realizing this). I think this is mostly because my mom had a tendency to throw my mistakes back in my face later on. Also, she had no filter and usually told my business to anyone who would listen.

However, she was a good mother and had the truest of intentions, always. My mom took her job as a mother very seriously. All she ever wanted was to be a mother (sound familiar?). She taught us right from wrong, provided a safe and stable home,cooked amazing meals and that woman spoiled me rotten. Anything I ever wanted she made sure I got it, whether I deserved it or not. She kept a pretty tight leash on me growing up but I know it was to keep me safe. She adored her children and wanted to be the best mother on the planet. She tried so hard.

Sadly, adoptive parents do not share the DNA with their child so it can be a bit more challenging to understand a child’s motivations and behaviors. My mom and I were like oil and water and neither of us understood why or how to resolve it. I was immature and she had her own issues from being an abused child and losing multiple pregnancies before adopting. We could never seem to get on the same page. I loved her in my own way and that was just not enough for what she needed, therefore, she was never my best friend or my rock nor was I ever that for her in return.

We never had the unique and special mother/daughter bond and it doesn’t even matter why, whether that was due to the adoption of personalities. The fact is, I missed out on that kind of connection with a mother and she was my only shot at having it.

 

…That is why I cry.

Balance gives you life’s sweet spot… and you DO deserve it.

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When it comes to relationships, we have an expectation of who and what we deserve. Who you are and the experiences you’ve had is actually driving those expectations. If you grew up privileged, perhaps even spoiled with material things, then you may have very specific and possibly even unrealistic expectations of other people. Spoiled people are given every material thing they could ever dream of but don’t realize putting material-based expectations on humans is unfair and will lead to disappointment. You’ve met these people…their list of required qualities in a partner is typically very long and they won’t accept anything less than someone with every single quality they desire. There’s nothing wrong with believing you deserve the best, believe me… but it’s that definition of “best” that can skew the results. At the other end of the spectrum are those people who set very low expectations, not believing they deserve anything better. Those people may have grown up with very little love or sense of belonging or abandonment (adoptees, sound familiar?). These people’s list of qualities they desire in a partner is non-existent. They typically get into unfulfilling relationships and are too scared to let their partner go because they just can’t believe anything better will come their way. This is the category I’ve always found myself in, accepting less than I deserve because i’m terrified there won’t be anyone else.  So there are people who believe they deserve the perfect person (a phantom person) and then those of us who don’t believe we even deserve a good person (low expectations). Somewhere between that phantom person and low expectations is the sweet spot. Life is all about balance. Going to an extreme is not good in any situation. Finding that sweet spot is so difficult and takes a lot of soul seeking and encouragement. I do recommend making a list of must-haves in your next partner but keep it short! It should be 4-5 qualities that all must be met. You can also have a slightly longer list of nice-to-haves but you cannot insist that those all be met; even having just 1 or 2 of those is plenty. You must not be scared that person doesn’t exist because he/she does exist but you have to have patience and most of all, you have to believe you deserve it. You are worth it.

 

Adoptees are the “inbetweeners” in the adoption space

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But there is space for all of us…
You can’t categorize adoptees by our situations or how we feel because we all have different stories and associated feelings about it. There are no buckets of “angry” or “happy” adoptees but people (even other adoptees) seem to try and do that all the time. The truth is we are both angry and happy at the same time and depending on the day (or trigger) we fall somewhere between on the spectrum. If you just had to bin us together, I would call us all the  inbetweeners”. Our adoptions have forced us into this space where we have the right to be mad but told to be happy. How would YOU resolve the conflict between opposing ideals and emotions? We are inbetween angry and happy although we may have our happy days and angry days.
The saddest part of people trying to group us into these labels is that those same people won’t listen to the diversity of our feelings. I have found an amazing group of adoptees who are the most kind and empathetic people I have ever met. We are all very different and we all accept those differences. Some of my friends experienced horrible traumas in their life directly due to their adoption. Most of them have very strained reunion stories and have suffered second rejections. On the other hand, I have (for the most part) had good outcomes from both my adoption and my reunion. Although I haven’t suffered as much as some, I can still empathize and relate because we all experienced the trauma that started it all, being taken from our natural families. I’m allowed to be part of the conversation because I offer my ear and emotional support. They do not ignore me or tell me I’m being too positive because I’m not preaching the script to them. I can be positive yet feel the pain at the same time. I’m an inbetweener. We all are; so embrace each other because there is space for all of us and we need each other.

Head In The Sand

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If I don’t see it or hear about it, it’s not happening! That’s been my tendency my whole life. It’s contradictory to my nature that is constantly seeking knowledge and always wanting to solve a mystery. I hate secrets. But, when it comes to a truth that will hurt my heart, I prefer to bury my head in the sand. It can be something as non-personal as starving children or animal abuse, something non-emotional like ignoring a responsibility, or the extremely personal things such as unrequited love or affection. If I don’t see it or hear it, it’s not happening and therefore can’t hurt me. Now imagine me shaking my head at myself. I know this is ridiculous.
Maybe this is what kept me in the adoption script fog for so long. Facing the trauma and the truth head-on is quite difficult. Why would I want to live in the pain? Well, I don’t want to live in the pain but what I’ve learned is that if I don’t recognize it I have no hope of moving beyond it. Ignoring it only makes it worse and manifests itself in different ways, such as attachment issues or anger management problems, and one thing is for sure, it just delays the inevitable consequences forcing you to deal with it after all.
My friend asked me just two weeks ago, how I can take action with my life if I’m not armed with the truth? She is so right. I can only protect myself if I know all the facts, both good and bad. Making decisions based on only good facts is setting myself up to fail, prolonging and intensifying the pain that comes from the bad. I’ve opened myself up to the negatives of my adoption in the last 4 years. The painful emotions are so intense because they’ve built up over 40 years. Hearing my fellow adoptee’s stories and watching movies and TV shows like “Finding Dory” and “This Is Us” is opening my eyes to so much trauma I never dealt with that the pain can feel like bricks sitting on my chest as I ugly cry so hard I get the worst headaches. But I get through it, I wash my face, go outside and feel the warm sun on my body, take in the beauty of the world around me and begin to count my blessings. The blessings are so much sweeter once I have let go of the pain of the moment; there are and will be more of those moments but it is a cleansing that allows me to see the good in a more vivid way.
No matter what your situation is, make sure you’re arming yourself with the truth to fight through it. Then enjoy the other side and know every battle is making you stronger.

Somewhere Out There…

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Somewhere out there…. that was a running theme in my childhood. I felt a lot of internal angst as a child that I just didn’t know how to express so I kept it inside. I never cried to others because they wouldn’t understand why I was crying. Hell, I didn’t understand. If you’ve read my memoir, you’ll know that around12 or 13 is when I really rebelled against my mom. We did not/could not relate to each other. She had her quirks and would hurt my feelings unknowingly. I should’ve told her but I didn’t know how so I would hold it in or write in my diary about it. I felt so alone in those moments. It is also at age 12 that the movie, An American Tail, was released. As you may know, this is an animated film about a mouse family that emigrates to the US and their son gets lost and must find his way back home to reunite with his family. I actually don’t remember if I ever even watched the film but the song that was released with it, Somewhere Out There, deeply affected me. It became the theme song of my life. When I began to feel sad and alone, I would go outside, look up at the sky and sing that song to myself. “Somewhere out there, beneath the pale moonlight, someone’s thinking of me, and loving me tonight”. God, it consumes my soul even now; remembering how I would sing that and think of my first mother. “Somewhere out there, someone’s saying a prayer that we’ll find one another, in that big somewhere out there”. I imagined in that moment that she was thinking of me, too. Like somehow, telepathically, she would feel a poke that would cause her to be thinking of me at the same time I was thinking of her. “And even though I know how very far apart we are, it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star, and when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby, it helps to think we’re sleeping underneath the same big sky”. I hoped and prayed that she missed me as much as I missed her. “Somewhere out there, if love can see us through, then we’ll be together, somewhere out there, out where dreams come true”. My dream came true when I found her 18 years after that song came out.
I never told a soul about this, before now.

Losing Again

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My mother who adopted me and gave me her world passed away a few weeks ago. She gave me her undying and unconditional love, a secure and stable, disciplined home, a father and brother, a fun, extended family, opportunities to succeed, encouragement, physical and intangible gifts, and the tools to navigate life through its many challenges. My first mother (also my first loss) with blind faith trusted that I would fall into the right woman’s hands and I did.
My mom gave me so much but what did I give her? Guilt starts to speak to me and here is what it tells me: I was a bad daughter. I didn’t give her the same unconditional love she gave me. I was guarded and impatient. I was unappreciative and didn’t even try to understand her. I gave up on her.
We prepare for death and finality but we never are truly prepared. My mom had been sick for a long time but only in the last year did I really try to reconcile my feelings and give her comfort in our relationship. I still failed. I kept our conversations light and uninvolved. However, I told her all the time how much I loved her because at the end of the day, I really did love that woman. It didn’t matter how little we could relate to each other; I loved and respected her and I am grateful that I ended up in her arms.
As an adoptee, losing my mom has brought out intense emotions. It is a second loss of a mother. It is having wonderful memories as a child, it is loving my mom, it is being happy that she is no longer in pain, it is being thankful that I still have my first mother, and it is guilt. Adoptees losing their adoptive parents is hard because we have an added layer of complex emotions. We already lost one and now we lose another. I am so fortunate to have found my biological mother 11 year ago but having her and such a great relationship with her just adds to my guilt. I want to be able to enjoy still having a mother without taking away from how much love I have for my mom. But I’ve been fighting that battle for 11 years. An adoptee’s life is constant internal (and sometimes external) struggle between being happy without upsetting the delicate balance of keeping everyone else in your life happy. It’s not our job but we take it on anyway because the weight of the guilt is too heavy.
I will miss my mom; she loved her kids fiercely and unconditionally. Love you, mom. RIP Brenda Joyce Carter Williams.

The full-on dilemma of half siblings

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adoptee-half-siblings

As if the angst and turmoil and chaos of finding your biological parents isn’t enough, the confusion of how to approach half-siblings can send adoptees completely over the edge. Even in the most happiest of reunions, the relationship with the half sibling/s can be daunting and is always delicate. Through the eyes of the siblings you, the adoptee, are seen as the intruder, unknown and not to be trusted. You have come out of seemingly nowhere and with claims to be a significant part of the family unit. Significant, yet absent and unknown. It doesn’t seem to matter how the biological parent has approached it with their kids; the long lost family member is foreign and will uproot the family dynamic. This, of course, is for the lucky ones whose biological parent chooses to even acknowledge your existence and does not send legal letters telling you to cease and desist and continue to keep you a secret.
When adoptees take that leap of faith and reach out to their biological parent/s, we are usually given some amount of information from them and then they either open or shut the door.
When they open the door, we are allowed the chance to meet our siblings. How fantastic for us! These siblings are someone with whom we can connect on that level and most importantly, learn more about how it felt to be raised by the parent/s we could have had. We can learn if the parent was loving or stern, nurturing or hands-off, strict or lenient. Just because we learn their identities doesn’t mean we stop fantasizing… We will forever live in a world of “what-ifs”. In these open door situations, our siblings are either ecstatic about our existence and curious or they’re wary and distrust our purpose in being there. It takes very careful building of a relationship that will always be delicate, always. I have a half-brother on my biological mother’s side. He was initially very curious about me and I think a bit jealous, if I got a little too much attention from “his” parents. Fortunately, my biological mother would let me know how he was feeling and I was able to respect his feelings and simply give him time to get used to me. It was very useful to spend one on one time with him where we able to bond but boundaries were set, although unstated. It’s been 11 years, we get along great and I think that as long as he gets the most of his parents’ attention most of the time, we’re fine! We adoptees have to know our place… Reunion is a minefield – get to know your safe zones and you can thrive there.
In a shut door case, a biological parent has completely closed the door on the adoptee and can even be pretty cruel about it. It’s alarming how many adoptees have received letters from lawyers instructing them not to contact them or members of their family. Where does that leave us? Hurt, abandoned again, and still with lots of questions that are our basic right to know, such as medical history, heritage, and family members. Do you have any idea how many adoptees anguish over a decision to reach out to their siblings anyway? We have learned to never give up and we are determined to unmask ourselves as secrets. We exist and family members have a right to know that there is someone out there that shares their DNA. The siblings may be upset by it and may also deny contact but they deserve to know. They are adults and can decide for themselves how they want to handle it. We know what we’re in for, possibly yet another rejection, but we don’t give up and exercise the only control we have – our voices in letting people know we exist. It’s only fair. My biological father knows about me but doesn’t wish to know me. I’ve never spoken to him however, I know that I have two half sisters on his side. He has never told them, likely will never tell them, and meanwhile, I stalk their social media pages and wonder what kind of people they are and if they’d love to have another sister! I have two sisters out there who may share similar traits and personalities but left to him, I, and they, will never know. Oh yes, by the way, I am also an Aunt to one nephew on his side whom I may never get to know. I live life with the mantra that the more people you have in your heart the better your life will be. They may never know how much love I have to give.
We struggle with so much in being adopted, too many to count. We do not put this on ourselves, it was forced on us when we were adopted by a new family and forgotten by the first one. We have the same curiosity and human right to know where we came from as every other person on earth. It is not “our fault” if we go looking for something that is bound to be painful. We must, we HAVE TO KNOW, where we came from no matter what pain we find there. Knowing is better. Our half-siblings out there deserve to know, also. They may not like it and it might upset their family dynamic as they know it but they, and we, deserve to know. We have the right to use our voices and reach out to members of our family once they are adults. We are the biggest gamblers of all… and most of the time we bet everything on the possibility of relationships. Even losing is gaining because at least we know.
If you’ve had any experience, good or bad, with the half sibling dilemma, I’d love to hear from you.

Let Your Feelings Show, It’s OK

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adoption vulnerable

I have a friend who is very open minded and curious about life and people. She is methodical in forming opinions and likes to gather all facts. I have talked to her often about adoption and what I’ve learned about the different sides of adoption, the less popular facts of how it affects the adoptee. I’ve talked to her about the myths and the realities. She has always listened with sympathy however, I could tell she really didn’t get it. I could see she really wanted to understand and became very curious about it but she really didn’t feel what I was telling her. So when I started watching Long Lost Family and saw just how raw and honest that show is surrounding adoption, I asked her to watch it. She became hooked.
After one episode, she “got it”. She started talking to me about adoption in my terms, with a deeper understanding, and became passionate about the injustices often incurred. We watch every week and confer about the cases they show. She has formed passionate opinions about how things should be. She has found our side and now doesn’t just sympathize…. she EMPATHIZES. What more could I ask for? Thank you Long Lost Family….. but wait… why was the show successful in making her understand when I had been trying for so long? I had to ask her.
She said that witnessing these people on the show baring their souls and explaining from their hearts is what made her understand the messy side of adoption. So I got my answer: I was talking cold hard facts without emotion. This surprised me and I had to really think about that. I thought back to all the times she and I had talked about it before. I watched myself explaining some things to her and I realize that she’s right. I talk a lot about it, talk about other people’s experiences and why things are wrong and need to be changed. I talk a lot. I don’t show her anything. I’m flat about it other than maybe a little anger. Wow. My number one cause that I’m wholly passionate about and one of my closest friends couldn’t see the emotion. How the hell does that happen? I’m a very emotional person; all I have to do is talk about one achievement of my daughter’s and my eyes well up with tears. If I think of a poor squirrel getting run over, I cry. I watch a sad movie, I cry. But somehow, when talking about my own adoption experience and the wrongs of the industry, I’m stoic and full of facts. Time to dig deep and figure this out because I don’t want this to be the case as I talk to others about this important cause. So I turn to my blog and write.
I was an emotional mess when writing my memoir but I was alone. When I’m alone I don’t have any trouble opening up so why am I putting on a stone face with others? I think I don’t want to be seen as weak. I want people to know that I can handle anything and am strong so that they can lean on me. Other people’s stories can make me cry and I believe that shows empathy however, if I cry about my own situations I see that as weak. I realize this is not healthy and I need to start opening up completely. I’ve noticed on social media (where no one fears anything) that when I’m open and raw I get so many reassuring and friendly responses. Being open is engaging and encourages others to open up, as well. There is nothing wrong with this and I need to carry the skill into my interpersonal relationships. I resolve to work on that even though it will be hard to even recognize when I’m doing it (or not doing it, as it were).
It’s not easy for me to be vulnerable because it feels unsafe and ineffective. However, my friend taught me that it’s just as important to show that vulnerability along with the facts because it more effectively tells the story. I have to do this or else I will not be successful in convincing others of the dangers and pitfalls of adoption in order to make it better. Because I do believe it can be better once the world sees the issues and we change the culture of adoption being a baby store and make it about putting children needs before our own. My story will help others but only if I show it as I tell it.