Being an adoptee is complicated in every way. It impacts the way we relate to others, how we feel about “normal” situations, how we feel about ourselves, how we feel about family; it literally impacts the way we see the world. I believe that even adoptees who say they don’t feel adopted are impacted in these ways but don’t realize it.

What’s NOT complicated is how we talk about it. I detest how I’m told what is appropriate to say or not say and what isn’t “cool” to call the woman who gave birth to me and relinquished me to adoption. It seems like everytime a new, politically correct term comes out for her then someone else complains. I am told my words and my feelings are offensive to others and how I should be conveying those thoughts and feelings; sometimes that criticism is coming from other adoptees and sometimes that criticism is coming from other mothers who have relinquished children to adoption.

In adoption land, every single person’s situation and feelings are different about their own place in the adoption. We are all different human beings, not all the same, like snowflakes falling from the sky. We each have our very own DNA, the blueprint to what makes us individuals. It’s the beauty in this world that we are all different. Why must we always try to make “groups” of people and then make them conform to a couple of people’s ideas of what’s the right way to think and right words to say?

We are grouped into adoptees and mothers and adoptive parents, which typically pits one group against another – reminds me of the movie Divergent. My mantra is always “We’re all in this together”. Why must we pick at each other when we’ve all had different experiences? We don’t have to be in one group or all have one thought. Let’s be free to speak as we want to speak; it’s the only way to truth. We shouldn’t candy coat things, we shouldn’t be told not to say “birth mother”, we shouldn’t be told we’re wrong for feeling.

I don’t need politically correct words, I don’t need fancy clinical terms, and I don’t need your theories. I need real talk. I need another adoptee, mother, adoptive parent (who probably feels differently than I do) to tell me what their own words, thoughts, feelings are, not mine. I need to hear your raw and uncensored words. This is how I learn from you. And at the same time, know that I’m going to speak my own truth in my words. If you don’t like them, tell me how you like to portray it instead of just telling me I’m wrong. Maybe I’ll like your words better than mine, maybe I won’t, but at least I won’t shut you off because you’re telling me what to do.

Let’s learn from each other but not by speaking in circles or in big, complicated words and theories, or criticisms. Tell me your truth that comes from your head, your heart,  your gut, and I’ll tell you mine. We’re all in this together, let’s start acting like it.