My birth mother is very protective of me. In fact, my whole biological family, my adoptive family, and my husband are all very protective of me. I am surrounded by people who would never want to see me hurt and would go to great lengths to make sure no one ever  hurts me. Knowing this feels very good, to know I am loved so much. However, I don’t always want to be protected when it comes to decisions I want to make for my own life. My adoptive family always wanted to protect me from my biological identity for fear that I would experience rejection. My biological family now wants to protect me from the other side of my biological identity. These were all things I wanted for myself yet those that love me the most tried to keep me from potential emotional or physical harm. Unfortunately for adoptees, we’re beholden to the adoptive and biological families when it comes to information. Once again, we have no control over our own identities and histories. My adoptive family never intended for me to find my biological family, that just was never in the deal because it was a closed adoption. That is just how things were done then. Finding my birth mother scared my adoptive mother for me and for herself but it turned out just fine! No one was hurt, no one was abandoned and no one tried to change existing, wonderful relationships. In this case, I didn’t want to be protected. I didn’t ask to be protected. No adoptee wants to be protected from their biological identity, even if rejection happens! Even if we get hurt by the biological side, we find comfort in having the knowledge. When it comes to my birth father, my birth mother and my biological family want to protect me from his rejection. It took my birth mother eight years after we met for her to tell me his name because she knew that he would not take news of me very well. She didn’t want me to be hurt by his reaction. He now knows about me and has expressed no interest in meeting me. This hurts my birth mother for me, she feels so badly and guilty that he has initially rejected me. Me, on the other hand, I understand his reaction and have no bad feelings about it. I have written previous posts about how I’m at complete peace with that. I will contact him at some point, in some way, eventually, and that scares my birth mother because she knows him and worries that he will hurt my feelings. She wonders why I would even want to contact him, knowing what kind of person he is and that he will likely reject me, again. So this is one reason adoptees say, “don’t speak for me”. Don’t assume you know how we feel or try to protect our feelings. It feels like you’re trying to control my life again and that causes me to rebel. Everyone who knows me, knows that once I get something in mind that I want, no one can talk me out of it. It’s because I know me, I know myself better than anyone else knows me. I don’t want to be controlled by other people’s knowledge anymore. I’ve broken those chains. My husband is fantastic. He knows this about me, he respects it about me, and has learned to give me the space and freedom to make my own decisions. I know it is hard for families to release that bit of control over an adoptee because they spent their entire lives protecting us. I absolutely appreciate the love this is born from and I love them all so very much but I have to make these decisions for myself. All I ask is that they be there for me, support my decisions, and even be there to pick up the pieces, if needed. I love my families and I will forever believe my adoption turned out to be the best thing for me and everything has turned out the way it should. I am a happy girl and I’m happy because of my decisions, and my ability to deal with the consequences of those decisions. Just trust me, and love me, that’s all your babies ever need or want.