An identity abrasion is when you feel like someone is attacking your moral code and/or beliefs. This has become a popular subject in today’s business world in regards to political correctness and how it is having an unintended negative impact in how people deal with each other in the workplace. There is a Harvard Business Review article that explains how the fear of being seen as a “bad person” by making personnel choices or providing critical feedback is stifling constructive engagement. As per the usual, I began to think about this theory of identity abrasion and how it might apply to adoptees and/or anyone else in the adoption triad. I know of at least a few “first” mothers who fear reuniting with their child because the child might think they’re a bad person for “giving them up”. It may or may not be true but the mother has passed on the opportunity to reunite from that fear. I know many adoptees who don’t talk about their curiosity of their biological family for fear their adoptive family will think they’re ungrateful. Although we all know that we aren’t selfish for wanting to know our back story, many adoptees keep quiet and live in agony and trapped by this fear. When we do actually experience an identity abrasion, mental and physical things start happening to you. For me, I start to feel flushed and my heart races with embarrassment and anger and I start to shake. My mind starts firing off angry thoughts and I feel the need to justify myself; I don’t want someone to think I’m ungrateful, stupid, or just plain wrong. It is like I lose all rational thought and reason. What I don’t stop to think about in that moment is that there is a reason that person said what they said, or feel the way they feel. I have to stop and realize people aren’t the cause of my problems rather how I receive them is the cause of my problem. If I stop long enough to think of the situation in these terms, I can ask the questions that will tell me why they feel a certain way or said a certain comment to me. People don’t always intend to be rude, believe it or not! You have no idea what their background is that might cause them to think a certain way. Next time you feel like your moral code or needs are attacked, pause. Take a deep breath and relax. Then ask them questions that will help you understand better what they meant by it. For example, if you are talking to an acquaintance about searching for your biological family and that person tells you that you should be grateful for what you had then try asking that person: What was your childhood like? Flip the script on them and try to find out why they have such strong feelings about YOUR situation! You might find out that person was abused. Then you don’t have to feel angry, you can feel sympathetic and at the end you’re giving each other hugs! You can use this tactic in any situation like this whether it is at hone or at work. If your manager has given you feedback that you feel is unfair, pause, breath, and ask questions. If you’re on the other side of things and you’re the one that has to give critical feedback, be sure to do it kindly and with plenty of explanation and examples to back it up and then be prepared for that person to pause, breath, and ask questions! We’re all human and that is the bottom line. We all have experiences that shape our values and beliefs, whether we think they are right or wrong. Most people have good intentions but even those who don’t can be understood if you take the time to try. There is a reason behind every action. Understanding brings knowledge, which brings power.

The Harvard Business Review article can be found here: