Everyone interacts differently in the different roles they play in life but adoptees have the additional, more complicated role of being a child to four people, instead of just two. I once wrote a paper on the book by Erving Goffman called “Presentation of Self in Everyday Life”. It talks about the many different sides of our personalities that we present to different people based on our perception of our “role” with that person. For example, how I engage with my daughter is different than the way I engage with my husband, or co-workers, or even my step-son! An old friend used to tell me that he hated to see my personality change when I spoke to strangers, like sales people or random people who engaged me in conversation. It was weird to him and told me I was being fake. I disagreed. What he didn’t remember is that I acted the same way when I first met him. Then the more I got to know him, the more comfortable I was with him and he got to know me better. We present ourselves in the way we want someone to perceive us. We act a certain way to effect a certain reaction from someone whether it’s our kids or spouses or parents. It is the presentation of self in everyday life with the different people in your life. It’s an interesting concept and I think if anyone has mastered this, it’s adoptees. Our circumstances sort of double the amount of people we have to present ourselves to and it’s uncharted territory. We have TWO sets of parents, we have two sets of family. Some of us do not know the other set but like ghosts, they’re still in our minds and soul, so we still deal with them even if it’s not face to face. Others of us do know the other set of family and we have to decide how we interact with them. Just as my friend thought I acted “different” to strangers that I encountered, I acted that same way when I met my birth family. My birth family didn’t see the same side of “Liz” that my family saw but there are so many reasons for that. I was just getting to know them, and I wanted them to like me so I put my very best foot forward. Of course it was different than how I act with my family. They’ve known me my whole life so it’s a completely different interaction. As time has passed, I have obviously become more comfortable with my birth family and they’ve gotten to know me in a deeper way. I don’t think I’ll ever interact with them in the same way I interact with my family because it is very different circumstances, which I don’t see as either good or bad; it is what it is. How about you? How many different sides, or roles, do you have?