When I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified. I was not in a relationship with the baby’s father and I was alone in a foreign country. At the time, I was in the Army stationed in Germany. I was so scared, I had very irrational thoughts. I absolutely could not imagine being a mother with a baby. It was inconceivable. It is amazing what your mind will do in these cases. I just told myself over and over that I couldn’t do it, that it wasn’t me, and it wasn’t what was meant for me at that time in my life. I even remember looking at a bunch of clothes I had just bought and was so excited to wear and thinking….. I can’t be pregnant, I won’t be able to wear my new clothes. It was irrational and based on fear. I racked my brain with these irrational thoughts and began to consider adoption. After all, it had worked out well for me… All I knew was that I couldn’t see myself with a baby. I imagined a little person calling me mommy and me saying, this is my daughter, or this is my son and I couldn’t imagine it. I was young, in the Army, no boyfriend or husband and had so much more to do for myself in the world. After the initial shock was wearing off and my brain was thinking a little more rationally, I called the one person who always knew what to say to me, my sister in law. At the time, she and my brother were trying to get pregnant so it was incredibly selfish of me to talk to her about it, but she (unselfishly and objectively) talked to me through it. The more I thought about it, the more I knew that I would never be able to hand over my baby when the time came. No matter how much I had not planned for this or thought that I didn’t want it, I knew that I would grow her in my tummy with a bond that would be so undeniable, I could never let go of that baby. I also knew what it was like to be an adoptee and didn’t want her to wonder her whole life about who I was and/or why I gave her up. Did I have good enough reasons that would make her grateful? I didn’t think so. I had no good excuse or reason to not raise this baby. It is amazing how fear can control your thoughts and actions. I can understand how easily birth mothers can be manipulated by adoption agencies or even friends and relatives. Birth mothers don’t know what to do and welcome someone to tell them what to do. I almost became a birth mother… it shudders me to the core to even think that could’ve happened. My daughter was exactly what I needed in my life, I didn’t know it at the time but I’m glad I followed my gut. She is the biggest blessing and I can not begin to imagine what my life would be like without her. She is my angel, then and now. Every situation is different, there is no comparing mine to yours or hers or theirs. This was MY experience and mine alone, I do not nor will I ever judge others for their decisions. I love my birth mother and will always be grateful for her decision. It was extreme, but it led me to where I am today, a healthy, happy, and loved mother.