Photo: My half brother from my birth mother’s side. He is 6 years younger than me.

Let’s talk about something that is really hard for some adoptees and birth parents to think about. This is a painful subject but if we want to heal we have to face it head-on. As an adoptee, how did you feel when you learned you had half siblings? There is a range of emotions that you can feel all the way from joy (which, by the way, is the end of the spectrum I am on) all the way to a mix of bad emotions. So if I were to step away from my ever-positive self and try to look at the other end of the spectrum, I can see how some adoptees would first of all feel jealousy. The first question would be why that kid and why not me? From jealousy is born resentment. An adoptee might feel very resentful of both the birth parent and the sibling. There could be innocent pain watching the birth parent interact with the sibling. By innocent pain, I mean it is like the pain a small child feels when his favorite toy is taken away or given to someone else to play with. On the flip side, the birth mother (and I specifically say birth mother because she is the one who carried the babies giving her a special emotional connection) could also have pangs of guilt and sadness when holding the baby she kept. When the birth mother looks into that baby’s eyes, does she see what could have been with the first child? That would be very painful. Like I’ve written before, I’m very proud of the birth mothers who continue to have children when the time and situation is right. They should never punish themselves by not having more children. However, they could still be carrying that pain with them the rest of their lives and I would strongly encourage therapy for those mothers. Now me, I was overjoyed to hear that I had a half brother! I thought it would be fun to know from his perspective how it was to be raised by our mother. Although he and I really never talked about it, after all this time I can see that they aren’t unlike any other mother and child. I’m sure he drove her nuts as a teenager and young adult but they love each other unconditionally and have a great relationship. Their relationship was very similar to my relationship with my mom. I think as adoptees we fantasize about how much BETTER our lives would have been had we been raised by our birth parents. Why do we think that? Just because you’re a kid and get into an argument with your parents because they wouldn’t let you go out or give you a stiff curfew doesn’t mean your birth parents would have been any different! Stop and think about the fact there was a reason you were placed for adoption. Successful, wealthy, married and stable people who are trying to have children don’t typically place their babies for adoption. There was a good reason you were placed and you should be thankful that they did that for you. And the fact that they had kids at a later time when it was appropriate should make you feel good! Think about it the way I did! I was able to get the scoop on what it was really like to grow up with them! And remember that it’s not the sibling’s fault that you were adopted. Even if you grew up in a bad adoptive situation, there is no guarantee that being with your birth parent would have been any better! Be thankful for the life lessons you learned and use those to make yourself better. Get to know your half siblings and learn from them, too! Being jealous and resentful never helped NOBODY. JOY! not pain.

Afterthoughts: I’m re-posting this piece and since I first wrote it I’ve learned about adoptees who don’t want people to tell them they SHOULD be happy their birth parents placed them for adoptions so I apologize for telling you how to feel. I’ve learned from you that I should be more sensitive to your feelings and should never presume to tell you how you should be and/or feel. I thank you for opening my eyes to your opinions. Keep ’em coming! xoxo