photo creds to Bella Nicole

I bet Miss Manners never wrote a column on family etiquette between adoptive and birth families. Since finding my birth mother eight years ago, I have had to figure it out on my own and trust me it isn’t easy when so many delicate feelings are involved! I was constantly worried about hurting someone’s feelings. I had to figure out the protocol when it came to holidays and important events! Think about when you meet your in-laws for the first time. Each of you have a defined role in your lives together that is normal and usual and everyone knows what the roles are. Normal and usual are not terms you can relate to an adoptee who has both birth and adoptive parents in their life! In the beginning, it was like navigating a mine field, especially with my mother. She was very wary and insecure about my relationship with my birth mother and I totally understand that. So I had to make sure I wasn’t spending MORE time with my birth mother than my mom. My birth mother lives closer to me so I had to be careful if I spent a holiday with her and didn’t drive another 8 hours home to spend time with my parents. My whole family wondered if I was going to get closer to my birth family and forget all about them. That was never going to happen but how did they know? Holiday protocol is hard enough when you’re married and having to please two families but throw this twist in there and it gets nearly impossible to please everyone. Not only holidays can be hard but what about important events? When I got married, I was stressed out because I wanted to give the proper recognition to both my birth mother and my parents. How does one introduce your birth mother at a wedding along with the mom and dad? Even something as seemingly simple as what you call her can be tricky. She’s not my mom but she IS my mother! So I think after all this time I do have it all figured out. They all met at my wedding so everyone seems comfortable with everyone else and what our roles are but I don’t think it has been easy for any of us! So yeah… maybe Miss Manners should call me and she can write that article.