Photo Creds to Bella Nicole

Every adoptee talks about the importance of closure. Without it, we have doubts, questions, and fear about ourselves and our lives. We question who we are and our position in life. In essence, we fear what we don’t know. There are valid questions but then there are questions rooted in fear and anxiety that we largely place on ourselves. I firmly believe every person deserves and has the right to know who created them for several reasons. The largest reason, of course, being medical. We have the right to know what hereditary diseases we may be in for so we can take care of ourselves. We also have the right to know our heritage. Natural born children might take that for granted but it is something that adoptees latch on to because we don’t usually have the luxury of knowing. We deserve to know what hereditary traits were passed on to us. What if an adoptee is an addict or has mental disease? It would be helpful to know from birth if that was passed down so that the family could take extra steps to help that child. These are all reasons we deserve to know where we came from and those are valid questions. However, there are also questions that causes self doubt and fear for an adoptee. The biggest question we ask ourselves is why did our birth parents choose to place us for adoption. This is a question that may never get answered for an adoptee and without a healthy support system could cause he/she to feel unworthy and anxious about people leaving them for no reason. Unfortunately, adoptees will build that foundation for themselves; convinced that they were unwanted so when faced with challenging situations in life they use that as a crutch. Why do some adoptees assume that they were simply unwanted? There are so many beautiful and loving reasons for birth parents to choose adoption so why is it human nature to assume the worst? It’s like we’re choosing to feel sorry for ourselves. The question of “why” is an unhealthy question. It will likely never get answered and just causes self doubt. Throw that question away, it is completely 100% unnecessary. If you don’t, then more useless questions will build on that one question and before you know it, you are a very sad person who likely blames others for your problems. If you insist to know why then you must also be prepared for a bad news story but don’t use it as a reason for your problems or to feel sad. Your parents may not have been stand-up citizens according to society but one thing is for sure, they did what was best for you and made a very loving choice. We, as adoptees, do need closure but we should focus on “who” and not the “why”. I hope that one day all adoptees can easily find out where they come from all while protecting the birth parents’ identities if it is a closed adoption. I’m sure nowadays a more thorough medical history is done; but I hope they also add salient facts like heritage and mental issues. And for us curious cats, it would be nice if there is a sentence or two on why adoption was chosen although if you’re anything like me that would just fuel the curiosity! I found my birth mother and it has been very fulfilling so I don’t discourage getting that closure. Just manage your expectations and don’t create your own self doubt and fear with the unknown. Remember that environment had a lot to do with who you are, not just genetics!